Ahhhh, glorious first week. Every year, it’s the same. Freshmen trying desperately to find a party with free alcohol and asking where “the DP” is. Whores — er, fine examples of young women — are running up and down I.V. in too much makeup trying to find new best friends with Daddy’s wallet. And there’s so much free stuff everywhere! Thank you, Fun and Fitness Festival, for my new yo-yo. It has nothing to do with the Rec Cen, a campus club or anything really, but holy crap, it is very fun. If someone could teach me how to do the Eiffel Tower or Walk the Dog, I would definitely hook up with said person.

Tomorrow’s forecast: The ‘human learns that people who know yo-yo tricks are ugly and regrets the promise made.