Well, hello there! My name is Jenni. I’m a person of diverse interests, with an affinity for many different-um … I’m a fourth-year sociology major and Spanish minor considering grad school, but with the state of the economy-uh … shit, I’ll just say it. I like to fuck.
Oh, my God – did I just say that? You’ll have to forgive me, as I’m not one for introductions. They remind me too much of first dates or I.V. party small talk. And it’s my reputation for getting right down to the dirty that puts me ass-smack in the middle of the Opinion section every Wednesday. That’s right, bitches, I’m the new Wednesday Humper.
I must say, my beloved Gauchos, you don’t make my job easy. After an entire summer living next door to the “Orgasm Opera House” featuring Belting Bonnie on a near-nightly basis (and when I was lucky, a matinee), stacked upon three years of witnessing drunken DP nights and the procession of shameless walk-of-shamers through Bagel Café every Saturday morning, I’ve begun to understand the weight of my responsibility. Put simply, I’ve been hired to preach to the freakin’ choir.
It’s true, and it happens to be the reason I love ya’ll so much – you’re exceptionally well-versed in the art of in-and-out. You’ve been boinked up, down, sideways, diagonally and perpendicularly so many damn times that you’re looking at your watch right now, wondering, “What the hell does this Hump person have to teach me?” Well, sex god, I’m glad you asked. Your first lesson: humility.
The fact of the matter is, we could all use some. I’m not suggesting we forego our confidence – the very thing that gets us laid in the first place – I’m merely saying that conceding to our imperfections occasionally could take us a long way. I know it’s a disruption to the tried and true process: target potential partner, talk a big game, take partner home and unleash “big game” by tossing them about the bedroom like a rag doll. If “tried and true” means sending your partner home with little more than whiplash, then by all means, carry on. However, if you’d like to make your night a bit more memorable, it’s time to swallow… your pride.
It’s important to remember that, besides Ron Jeremy and your mom, no one performs perfect sex. Part of what makes sex so amusing is that occasional awkward lull, when he tells you to “lighten up on the balls.” or when you have to wait for her to stop crying because you “accidentally” stuck it in the wrong hole. Superior screwing requires technical skill – like that board game Operation – except this time, you want to touch the spot that makes her buzz. So, with all the things that must come together in order to make sex “good” – the right position, the right angles, the right speed, pressure, etc. – a simple “How do you like it?” can get the ball rolling in the right direction.
Now, let’s talk about bad sex. Bad sex is simply a series of miscommunications passed along to the next partner … and the next … and the next. Take a one-time hookup of mine, for example, who complacently called oral his “secret weapon,” then proceeded to make a slobbery mess in every spot but my clit. When asked if I was enjoying my super-special saliva-douche, I replied with an enthusiastic, “Mmm hmm.” Returning home unsatisfied, preparing the story to entertain my roommate, I came to a horrific realization: I had just perpetuated the bad-sex cycle. By telling this dude his sex was stellar to preserve his ego, I ruined a hookup for unsuspecting future females. It keeps me awake at night.
So take a lesson from my faux pas. Sex is so bogged down by the ol’ perform-and-enjoy act that it’s become just that – an act. If we don’t learn to be genuine participants (ahem, orgasm-fakers) and communicate with each other, we’ll never improve our game. Or worse – we’ll never truly enjoy sex.
Just think, somewhere out there, the person you’ve been waiting for is getting saliva-douched, waiting for someone to come along and ask her how she likes it.