I love my anonymity, but being nameless and faceless isn’t without its sacrifices, so today I’d like to publicly feel sorry for myself over the hordes of ass that I’ve been forced to forego due to the fact that I can’t reveal my true identity. We’re talking sick amounts here, like crazy boy-band ass. Hardly a week goes by without a fellow Nexite telling me that someone they know is obsessed with me. It could have been incredibly amazing, but, instead, it’s been a difficult test of self-control. Don’t feel too bad, though. When you have more lines than graph paper, you tend not to go to sleep by yourself.

Wednesday’s Forecast: Hordes of desperate freshman virgins start using the “Hey baby, I’m not supposed to say this, but I’m the Weatherhuman” line with stunning success.