Hey, UCSB: We are frisky college kids and more than a few of us like to mess around. Free love, baby! If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with!
Unfortunately, sometimes this free-love business gets you in trouble and you pick up a sexually transmitted infection. You’re not exactly sure how long those bumps have been there, who gave them to you, or whom you may have given them to. As a responsible adult, you decide you should probably tell all your exes that they should get tested.
Oh, what an awkward conversation. You don’t really want to do that, do you? Let’s look at your options. You could call your exes, but how do you even start a conversation like that? “Hey, how’s it going? Oh, things are fine over here, except that I’ve got syphilis and I’m thinking you might have it, too. Okay, have a sweet life!”
You could just send a thoughtful text message. “You should get tested.” Short, to the point. Then again, that costs, like, 10 cents. You could really use that dime to buy a York Peppermint Patty at the I.V. Market cash register.
Don’t stress, infected ones! You can send an anonymous e-card to all of your exes that says they should get checked. They’re witty, too: “I got screwed while screwing, you might have too.” How perfect and thoughtful. This incredibly personal e-card will surely give your ex reassurance and peace of mind. Now your exes know about possible diseases and you saved yourself that embarrassing “Crap, I have something going on in my nether regions” speech. Awesome solution.
Not. Really, if you contract an STI, own up to it. Just because people get STIs does not mean they’re slutty and sleep around every weekend. Don’t reassess your judgment of a friend or an ex just because he or she has herpes. That ex might still be a douche, but that’s because he ditched you for Halo and pot.
That said, have a sexy weekend, Gauchos. Remember the condom and avoid the awkward e-card situations altogether.