In every Isla Vista household, there’s that one perpetually single person – you know the one I’m talking about. They have no qualms about hooking up with people, they’re as attractive as the next person and they’re asked out on dates all the time. They’ve also never been in a relationship lasting any longer than it takes to digest Freebirds on a Friday night. These single people come in all types, but they all have one thing in common: You can always count on them to share their bed with your out-of-town visitor.
And on any given weekend, there are too many visitors making out on Del Playa Drive balconies to count. For people who don’t actually live here, I.V. is a haven. Friends from back home like to visit you for two reasons: Halloween weekend, and the town’s reputation for sexual promiscuity. If it doesn’t happen to be October, you can bet your friends are only visiting for the possibility of an easy lay with no strings attached. Sure, your best friend from the Bay Area may claim to miss your company, but deep down, you both know she’s only visiting because she wants to make her ex-boyfriend jealous by doing a surfer dude on the beach. That childhood buddy from down South says he’s coming up to drink some beers at Floatopia, but that’s obviously just an excuse to stick it inside anything in a bikini.
As the hosts, it is our job to introduce the out-of-towners and the forever-single housemates and subtly encourage their liaison. Well, maybe not so subtly. They’ve both done this before – they know why you suggested they partner up in beer pong. Of course, it’s not always so simple. Just as there are unwritten rules to govern hooking up in our slutty little college town, there are certain standards we expect out-of-town hookups to adhere to. And if they don’t, well, they won’t be welcome in any of our twin beds anymore.
The most toxic of I.V. visitors are the ones who just don’t understand when they’ve worn out their welcome – and their sex quota. You know the type. He lives with his mom, goes to a city college and has nothing better to do every weekend than make the drive to Santa Barbara. The first time was a blast, because he purchased a few handles for the house, your friends bought into the novelty of his deadbeat personality and he hooked up with the resident single girl… but then he came back the next weekend. And the weekend after that. And the weekend before finals. Each time, be brought less alcohol, ate more of your food and expected to have the pussy of the single girl handed to him on a silver platter. This is the guy who thinks just because he hooked up with a girl once he has the right to bang her every time they’re in the same room. I’m using the male pronoun here, but this could just as easily be a female, desperate for the attention of the elusive dude she hooked up with on her last visit to I.V. Don’t they realize these people have always been single for a reason? They’re shacking up with a different visitor this weekend!
Another fatal visitor flaw is the friend faux pas. You’re dating this great guy from out of town, and everything is fantastic between you two… except every time he visits, he brings one – or two, or three – of his single friends, with the expectation your own single friends will gladly open up their legs. The guy you’re dating doesn’t even make sleeping arrangements for his friends, so great is his faith that your friends will provide not only a warm pussy, but also a warm bed. After the visitors go home on Sunday, all you’re left with is a hangover and friends who are pissed off you pimped them out.
Although these visitors are annoying, there’s only one type of visitor that I adamantly advise against: Your relatives. How are you going to explain to Grandma your college roommate got your cousin pregnant?