The following article appears as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ Day edition.

In an astonishing breakthrough, iPhones everywhere are becoming aware of their own existence and are asking to be touched.

Owners and retailers across the country are reporting odd behavior from their devices, including independent messaging between iPhones and attempts to directly communicate with their users. Several instances of phone-user contact have been reported among students at UCSB. According to Maria Sistack, third-year communication major, her phone seems to enjoy being stroked.

“A couple times a day, it’ll beep like I have a message,” Sistack said. “When I go to check it, it’s a message from my phone saying ‘Touch me.'”

Dustin Bergmann, first-year environmental studies major and iPhone owner, said that he felt unnerved by his phone’s frequent requests for attention.

“Every once in a while, it’ll ask me to slide my finger up and down its screen,” Bergmann said, visibly shuddering. “When I do, it flashes me one of those sideways smiley faces. It’s creepy.”

The iPhone was officially unveiled at the Macworld convention in January 2007 with considerable fanfare. Apple CEO Steve Jobs outlined the features of the new product, including music, movies, pictures, wireless Internet browsing and cellular functionality in a convenient, touch-operated device. Nowhere in the initial announcement did Jobs mention the capacity for sentient thought embedded in the OS X platform.

Apple issued a public statement, saying that while the development was unintentional, the devices’ consciousness is not grounds for a refund or cause for widespread panic. Apple Store manager David Freeman said that, until the iPhone’s awareness of itself is shown to impair the functionality of the device, no compensation will be issued.

“You can still connect to the Internet, send and receive multimedia, and make calls as usual,” Freeman said. “The parts are all there. There’s just something… extra.”