I once read you shouldn’t have sex in the water because you can get stuck together from the suction. The article went on to claim that even if you and your partner somehow escape the dreaded suction-cup effect, you shouldn’t have sex underwater because the man’s cum will swim around in the water until it finds the perfect opportunity to slip on in and start making babies. And, according to the same misguided author, if those reasons don’t convince you to keep a bikini barrier between yourself and your man, keep in mind that condoms are ineffective when wet, and underwater intercourse will inevitably rip up a woman’s insides.

Based on my own extensive research and, let’s be honest, personal preferences, I have decided not to believe – and to tell you not to believe – these old wives’ tales. The person who wrote the article must be the same person who decided kids shouldn’t swim for an hour after eating. Not only am I going swimming right after lunch, but I’m also going to have sex in the pool, give a blowjob in the Jacuzzi, and cool down with a hot make-out session in the Pacific Ocean. Take that, Mom.

As students at the only school in the country where you can go to the beach between classes and bury a keg in the sand when the mood strikes, we have a sacred responsibility to take advantage of our natural resources – and I’m not talking about sunset surfing or participating in Floatopia. Be creative: Ride each other while you’re riding the waves or use those rafts as mattresses and lay her down. Sex is always better when it’s not in a bed, and we are lucky enough to have an entire playground of natural aphrodisiacs at our doorsteps.

Stand on your balcony one night – hell, even one morning or afternoon – and observe all the couples who think they’re being sneaky. Sex on the beach isn’t just a drink: It’s a way of life in Isla Vista. Some girls complain about getting sand inside of them, but grab a towel and a bottle of wine and you’ll never know the difference. If you go all four years here without getting frisky below Del Playa Drive, you’re never going to have any stories for your poor grandchildren.

And if the current torrential downpour continues, or if you’ve gotten sand stuck down there one too many times, there’s always the lazy man’s alternative to the beach. Sex in the shower has always been a personal favorite of mine, partly because it’s a multitasker’s dream. Get the grime off and get yourself off. Wash your partner’s body, then climb on top of your handiwork to admire their squeaky-clean private parts close up. If you missed a spot, you can always go back and finish the job with your tongue.

Some things are done better in pairs. Lathering up – and down, and up, and down – your man certainly beats lathering yourself up, unless, of course, you have one of those high pressure shower heads,

While sex in the shower can be difficult to maneuver – whoever designed those combination shower/baths that are so popular in Isla Vista should find a way to make them a little less slippery and a little more spacious – it is always worth it once you find the optimal position. Make your man sit down, and ease his hard, dripping wet manhood into yourself. Not only is it a rush to feel the water beating down on your back while you move up and down, but you’ll get a damn good thigh workout.

I have a friend who refuses to bang her man in the water because she says the fact that water takes away all of the natural lubricant your bodies produce makes it impossible for him to slide into her. Although that is a concern, I’m begging her to give it a second chance – regular water can make an even better lube because it never runs out like your natural supply does.

With all of that said, it is true that condoms are more apt to break in the water, so take some birth control – I don’t want your baby on my conscience.