I am angry with the United States government for harboring the single greatest terrorist this nation has ever seen: Tom Brady. Let me explain. First, let’s examine quotes from the extremist himself saying, “We’re trying to kill.” Now I am no Benazir Bhutto, but if I didn’t know better I would say this is an attempt to intimidate and coerce any opposition to New England’s fiery brand of hegemony. Clearly, in the world of competitive sports passion plays a large role. But Brady goes far beyond the boundaries of decency when he signals the physical demise of any opponent who dares show up.
Like most Charger fans, I woke Monday morning to the realization that – once again – I am in search of an identity beyond the NFL. For months I’ve lived for Sunday mornings. My entire being, my drive, my work ethic existed solely towards a free day with my Chargers on Sunday. Now, I find myself with a lost team, and an ill directed passion with no outlet. Where are these frustrations to be directed? Perhaps at an organization refusing to trade Michel Turner? Perhaps at a coaching staff who should have played Billy Volek? How about at LT for not playing in the most important game of his career? No, not one of these is the correct outlet for my frustrations.
Well, let’s look at how many bombs Tom Brady dropped on perfectly innocent people. Forty-eight points versus Dallas, 49 points versus the Dolphins, the Dolphins barely won a single game… you don’t get much more innocent then that. But that’s not all: How about 56 against a Bills team reeling from the loss of Kevin Everett? This attack on the innocent through an assault of airborne supremacy is intended for one thing and one thing only: to spread fear to every corner of this nation. Fellow terrorist Randy Moss acknowledges Brady’s shameless assault, saying he is “going out there determined to kill you at any given time.” Now I am all for our right to bear arms, but last time I checked we still had an assault weapon ban in place. This puts Brady’s use of upper body appendages in direct conflict with the current interpretation of the second amendment.
Lastly, the U.S. definition of terrorism involves any entity that slows national economies. As we all know, a New England-New York Super Bowl is bound to bring about lower ratings than Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Brady’s methodical intimidation will bring this Super Bowl’s transfer of monies between networks and corporations to a halt. It is a blatant assault on the U.S. economy and, more importantly, our way of life: destabilizing our national fanhood and destroying the purity with which we identify the NFL. Bush’s “War on Terror” talks about global terrorism and its threat to stability, hope and freedom. I can think of no clearer example of this than Brady’s pursuit of perfection.
If Brady is using intimidation tactics, dropping bombs on the innocent, violating an assault weapon ban and slowing the economy, then his terrorist activities cannot be denied. Finally, and most importantly, the finest terrorist organizations hide their appalling activities with a series of propagandas and charities. However, let me make one thing clear. I will no longer allow Brady to use propaganda to aid his Jihad against all that is just and sane. Tom Brady, you will no longer hide under the pretense that you are some sort of “Patriot.” Your quest for a national caliphate comes to an end next season when I will once again be able to don my powder blues and identify myself as a man in search of the next Sunday morning. Until then, Brady, keep a look out over your shoulder, because even Bill Belichick won’t be able to get you out of Gitmo.