The Truth Will Set You Free-ish.
Sunday, Dec. 30, 9:00 p.m. – An officer performing a routine traffic stop at the intersection of Pardall Road and Embarcadero del Mar was rudely interrupted when a woman drunkenly stumbled between his patrol vehicle and the other subject.

The 26-year-old woman approached the officer – already busy protecting and serving – and began to spit out incomprehensible slurs.

The officer put his former engagement on hold momentarily and turned to face the sloshed siren. Quickly, the bloodshot eyes and strong odor of alcohol led the officer to suspect a high level of intoxication. Also, she was not wearing shoes. The officer kindly asked the woman to sit on the curb until he finished his prior engagement with the unfortunate driver.

Having let the vehicle go, he turned to the woman and asked what she needed. The woman, apparently following George Washington’s famed maxim, replied, “I’m drunk, I’m not going to lie.” When asked just how much she had drunk, the woman continued to show her truthful side, confessing, “[A] lot.”

“I drink too much,” she added.

When asked to stand up, her bare feet were unable to provide the necessary balance and the officer decided to arrest her.

The woman was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

See Spot Drink…

Saturday, Dec. 29, 2:00 a.m. – Officers patrolling the 700 block of Camino del Sur happened across a woman screaming and waving her arm in the air with a man behind her holding on to her shoulder.

As the officers approached in their patrol car, the male subject left the agitated woman behind and proceeded to walk in the opposite direction at a brisk pace, looking back once to check out the situation.

The officer, fearing the man would flee, sprung to action, jumping out of the car while yelling at him to come back. He did, albeit not as briskly as before.

The officer started slapping handcuffs onto the subject, suspecting a possible assault. Suddenly the officer noticed that the man’s arrest was angering the woman. “You’re fucking arresting him?” she screamed out in a slurred and incoherent voice.

The officer turned his attention to the 19-year-old woman, who he quickly determined was heavily intoxicated. Further questioning revealed the underling reason for her highly agitated state. Ignoring all the officer’s questions, the woman instead asked him, “Is my dog hurt?”

No matter the question, the drunken canine lover’s responses continued to involve her dog, despite the absence of any furry friends within the area.

Further inquiry into the subject revealed that the 21-year-old man was a co-worker of hers who had simply offered to walk his friend home. The alcohol, however, had apparently blacked out any concrete memory of where she lived and the two wandered up and down the entire length of Camino del Sur for nearly an hour before they stumbled upon Isla Vista’s finest.

The woman was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she spent the night in the doghouse, pending sobriety.

The Transporter
Tuesday, Jan. 1, 12:35 a.m. – Choosing to roost between a hard place and a bush, a 20-year-old female woke up for the first time in 2008 to the glare of a Foot Patrol flashlight.

Officers patrolling the 6700 block of Del Playa Drive came across a woman wedged between a tall bush and a parked truck, seemingly asleep yet still standing. Her belt was half off and she seemed to have lost her shoes.

When approached by deputies, the motionless woman mumbled, “I’m not driving them home.” When asked what she was doing, she repeated, “I’m not driving them home.”

Officers informed her that her sleep aid – the truck next to her – was empty, and no one else was present. The distinct lack of anyone to drive did not quell her concern, however. When asked why her belt was half off, she announced, much to officers’ surprise, “I’m not driving them home.”

The deputy asked the woman to step out from between the truck and the bush and onto the sidewalk. Balance, however, was not the would-be-driver’s forte, and she stumbled and fell into the officer’s arms.

The sleepy souse had a few fresh scratches on her arm, but was unable to explain their presence to the officer, apparently forgetting her recent stint in a bush.

The women was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.