As any seasoned college student and professional procrastinator knows, everything changes during finals week. Your room has never been tidier, your bod hasn’t been this toned since… well, since the last finals week, and all of a sudden mastering the obscure art of pottery painting seems of utmost importance. Most importantly, we all seem to have much more sex during finals week. I hate to be the one to break it to you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshmen, but the fourth floor of Davidson Library is more conducive to sexual fantasies about your sociology TA than to the completion of his study guide.
That’s not to say we don’t get our shit done – we do – it just takes some conjugal study breaks, memorization games that would make your third grade teacher cry and the ultimate promise of pussy once it’s all over.
Before you even attempt to begin studying, you have to get in the right mindset. If you don’t have sex before you buckle down, it’s all you’re gonna think about throughout the painful process. If it’s foolish to go on a date with a loaded gun, it’s study suicide to go to the library without blowing your load. Boys don’t want to get the urge to jerk off to Juliet while studying for English 15, and it certainly isn’t productive for the ladies to fantasize about Romeo’s package when they should be thinking about his character’s word choice.
What I’m trying to say is, grab your favorite sex partner, or if they’re not available, grab your best friend’s favorite partner – anything goes during finals week – and hit the hay before you hit the books. Nothing helps concentration like a good ol’ orgasm. It’s like Adderall, but better: You don’t need a prescription, and your friends won’t try to steal it from you.
Once you’re done with the basic stress relief of pre-studying sex, it’s time to get down to business. Flashcards are a good study method, right? Well, if they work well written on index cards, imagine their success on a hot body. Scrawl “beautiful” on the left tit and then uncover “bonita” on the right one when he guesses correctly. Tu eres una muchacha sucia – and he certainly won’t forget that come test day.
If the thought of washing permanent marker off your breasts is daunting, go for a simpler study approach. Remember Billy Madison? His study habits are certainly worth emulating. You and I may not be pimp enough to convince the teacher to strip, but any semi-good looking member of the opposite sex will be able to help. If you get the answer, my thong is coming off. And once the ladies have memorized what they need to know, the boxers are off and the balls are out. Talk about motivation.
Of course, during the actual test, there’s not much sex to be had. But be sure to reward your study partner for a job well done once they ace the test. A grade of “B” will garner oral sex, and an “A” is for the act itself. Don’t worry – it’s not prostitution if it contributes to their academic success. Their mother will thank you.
Not only do you get to have more sex during finals week, but the quality is also improved. Even under normal circumstances, going for a long time is important to guys. However, during finals week, the benefits of longevity are multi-faceted: They get to prove their manhood, and you both learn a creative way to procrastinate. It’s an inverse relationship: The longer it takes to reach orgasm, the less time there is to calculate the mass of sodium.
And don’t feel guilty about choosing sex over chemistry, because let’s be realistic, which one is going to serve you better in the long run? Yes, knowledge of the periodic table will improve your résumé, but skills in the sack will better your relationships, increase your fitness level, thrust your endorphin level through the roof and simply make people like you more.
So run back to your tidy room, admire your painted pottery, grab a textbook and a marker and rip off your clothes to show off that newly fit physique to your lucky study partner.