There’s nothing funny about a holiday that exploits Native Americans and leads to increased obesity in a country that is already far too fat. Therefore, there’s no need for me to try and make jokes today (insert token “why start now” comment here). That being said, I am thoroughly looking forward to washing down buckets of gravy with a little pumpkin pie. I encourage all of you to do the same, and while you’re at it, remember to remind those families of yours how much you love and appreciate them. You never know when you’ll choke on a turkey bone or something, so you might as well show the love while you can.