Maverick and Goose would back me up – everybody needs a wingman. Iceman would have crashed without one, and so would you. The only place people get laid without a friend’s help is in Amsterdam, and that’s only because they’re paying for it.

When I say everyone, I mean everyone. Contrary to urban college legend, women need wingmen, too. When ladies go out, there are two reasons to enlist a partner in crime: to get rid of lurkers and to attract the rare studly ones we actually want.

If you look like Jessica Alba, give your wingwoman a stick to beat off the dudes who sidle up next to you at the bar showing off their crocodile-skin boots and condom collection. Actually, if they resemble Jessica Alba, you need an army of wingmen and a few rabid bodyguards. But, if you’re a regulation Isla Vista vixen going out in SB, a friend should always be on hand to decipher emergency signals.

When I scratch my nose, run up and say that my boyfriend is on the way, and make sure to mention his 6’6″ frame and anger management issues.

Aside from scaring off bothersome but harmless boneheads, girls need wings for safety purposes. Just like you shouldn’t walk home alone, you shouldn’t leave home alone. What will you do if the creeper at 6625 keeps insisting he wants to feel the warmth of a woman’s body? That’s where your heroic wingwoman comes in.

If your looks are more along the lines of Roseanne, you simply cannot go out on the town without a wingwoman who’s even more beat than you are. You’ll look like a rose in comparison – your broke-ass BFF is the only chance you have of getting a free Cosmo and a roll in the hay. They say every woman needs an ugly friend.

Dudes out there may say female wingmen are nothing but a cock block, but you would all be jacking off for eternity if it weren’t for inebriated girls reassuring one another there’s no harm in one little blowjob.