Movie theaters are made for horror. People sit in a darkened theater to get their nerves jangled as if they plopped down in their own subconscious, experiencing their deepest fears without consequences. The best horror movies exploit those fears and manipulate our rawest emotions.
Bad horror movies fail to do that in the least. And the hilarity of their failure makes them damn entertaining. Here are my top-five “un-scary” horror movies of all time.
Number five goes to “Jason X.” The pitch is just like any other Friday the 13th movie: hot teenagers that bone each other and do drugs get brutally murdered. The catch? It’s set in space! That’s a lucky coincidence, because in space, no one can hear you yawn with disdain.
Number four is “Urban Legend.” It features a coed-killing machine that dispatches each kid in the style of a different urban killing legend, as well as an exquisitely inane twist ending. Plus, you have to love a movie that kills off Joshua Jackson with a Pop Rocks-Coke-Draino cocktail.
Number three: “Leprechaun in the Hood.” It’s about a deranged leprechaun who tries to kill people in Compton. Coolio is in it. I can’t even write the title of the movie without laughing. They even made a fucking sequel!
Number-two honors go to “Dead Alive,” Peter Jackson’s early masterpiece. It’s a zombie movie rife with disgusting slapstick humor and over-the-top gore. There is so much dismemberment in the lawnmower scene that I feel like I need a shower after I watch it.
The coveted number-one spot goes to… “Army of Darkness.” It’s immensely quotable, funny and a perfect capstone to the zeitgeist of the “Evil Dead” trilogy. Bruce Campbell is the king. Hail to him.