I’m not a feminist. I’m not going to say women should take charge of sex to be politically correct. I do think a woman should be the next president, but I don’t think a woman should be responsible for her partner’s most prized package. Doesn’t Hillary have enough on her mind?

Don’t get me wrong – just because I think dudes should dominate doesn’t mean they’re superior in the sack. Au contraire, you cocky bastards – if it weren’t for us ladies, we’d still be doin’ it missionary style in the backseat of your dad’s car.

But if men are in charge of sex, women have the time and the energy to make sure more important issues are addressed. I mean, we already have enough to concentrate on while you’re thrusting away: How am I going to fake the orgasm this time? And, aside from the faux finish, we have to worry about petting your fragile, clueless egos afterwards. Don’t worry babe, I swear it turns me on when you order Freebirds during sex! The only time men have more to concentrate more during sex is when their eyes have to be on the road.

All cognitive coddling aside, there’s the raw, dirty, purely physical element of being taken. But show me a girl who doesn’t fantasize about handcuffs and I’ll show you a guy who has never spanked to Britney Spears’ schoolgirl outfit. There’s something deliciously sexy about the fact he can have his way with you using sheer man-strength alone. Once, after watching an Angelina Jolie movie, I tried to use my woman-strength. I ended up with a condom lost inside me and a bruise on my forehead.

Who else but a sweaty, desperate man can throw you onto the bed like a Raggedy Ann doll, rip off your panties, make your toes curl by licking your inner thighs and still find enough energy left over to blow his load deep inside of you? It’s downright entertaining.

Let the dude claim responsibility for my orgasm. If I have to be in charge of the sex, I might as well just use my vibrator.