OK… I know that the Arbor and the UCen are prime locations for scoping out all the people rushing from Jamba Juice to their next class in Ellison Hall (or opting to skip class for Jamba Juice), but please campus organizations: Stop with the paper solicitation.

To begin with, passing out fliers to students is not an effective way to get their attention. They aren’t going to read them – they’re only going to throw them away. What am I supposed to do with a sheet of paper? Keep it in my binder for the rest of the quarter? It’s a Pavlovian response. Oh, so you want to tell me about a free combo at Deja Vu? Trash. Angelina Jolie needs volunteers for her guest lecture in Dick Suckology 102? Trash. Oh, and the worst are the fliers that are only the size of memo paper. There are few things in life more completely fucking useless than a 4-by-5 sheet of paper. Trashity McTrash Trash.

If I’m not making you feel guilty yet, then think of this: You’re polluting the environment, and shame on you for that. A mighty redwood sheds a tear each time another sheet of paper litters the sidewalk. And don’t be fooled: Environmental Affairs Board is just a few tables down, watching you. Be forewarned – its members might just start off their earth-saving campaign by drop-kicking you for littering. Or perhaps something even more hideous, like giving you a Dutch oven with one of those foul, foul vegan farts. So unless you are the group giving out silly putty with your flier, don’t bother with going to Kinko’s before hitting up the Arbor. And to that Christian group that is handing out the silly putty: God (no pun intended… maybe) bless you for giving me another reason not to pay attention to my professor’s presentation on Othello.

I would suggest that instead of expediting global warming, you take a more proactive form of getting students’ attention to your organization: interpretive dance. Nothing will call attention to your campus organization like a group of people flailing their arms and legs into contortions reserved only previously for talk in the sex column. And as the old saying goes: The more the merrier. If you really want to leave a lasting impression on people walking briskly at 9:15 a.m. to their 9:00 a.m. class down the Arbor, you should call everyone on your phone list and organize a choreographed dance… preferably to a song that will resonate with those stragglers all day long. May I suggest the creative genius that is Kevin Federline’s Brazilian ass-shaker, “PopoZao”? That way, instead of spending the entire class time trying to figure out the name of last night’s drunken hookup, they will be scorning K-Fed’s birth. But at least nobody will forget the true meaning of All-You-Can-Eat Pho Night.

But seriously, campus organizations, get out your dancing shoes. It’s time to make an ass out of yourselves for a good cause. Think of the potential for attracting students walking down through Arbor: The NORML kids will sway to Bob Marley in a euphoric state of haziness while the Hillel kids will tip their yarmulkes to the beats of Matisyahu just a few feet away. Campus organizations, you alone have the power to turn our campus into a collegiate version of “High School Musical.” As you read this, the Daily Nexus is perfecting its tango-crib-walk-modern-ballet combination to the tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” We will be debuting it next week for your viewing pleasure.