It’s no mystery that Isla Vista is a bike clepto’s wet dream, so in light of this fact I wanted to share some sage advice on how to best conceal your choice mode of transportation from thieves. Since I imagine I’m probably preaching to the choir on the issue, I felt compelled to mix these tips with a sweet spoonful of sexual innuendos to help the medicine go down. That said…

Regardless of your beliefs, it would be prudent to ask yourself, “What Would Jesus Do?” Anyone who has read the Bible or seen “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” would understand that Jesus wouldn’t soup-up his bike. Aim for subtlety, perhaps even rust-colored paint. If you should feel so compelled, even paint “WWJD” in a conspicuous area on your bicycle in order to appeal to the better angels of your would-be thief’s nature. If they are depraved enough to steal this bike, you can rest assured that they will get their comeuppance in no time.

Additionally, UCSB students are well aware of the primary contributing factors to an effective cock-block: groups of girls traveling in packs. Though they come in many shapes and sizes, this amoeba of partiers is composed of four basic archetypes: the hot chick you want to hook up with, the second-string hot chick who has potential but will be jealous that you’re interested in her friend, the girl with the camera who wants to document the experience on Facebook and the not-so hot chick who feels the need to overcompensate for a lack thereof with “personality.”

On the topic of bike theft, you should instead seek out the factors rather than avoid them lest you quickly go from bi-cycle to bi-pedal. When locking your bike, look for a combination of the four cock-block stereotypes and you’re well on your way towards protecting your prized possession – a bike-block, so to speak.

First, look for the hot chick, the bike that is brand new, souped-up, and looks like it costs more than your books. This will serve as a deterrent since any bike thief will wet his chops over a sweet pair of – ahem – wheels. Inebriation has a tendency to encourage people to look for bright shiny objects, so once again, park your bike next to this beauty and it will likely be stolen before yours.

Secondly, peruse the area for the jealous girl, or the bike that flaunts a flower basket, bright colors and reflectors, but alas, will never be up to par with the nicer bike. If the clepto is concerned about yanking a bike that appears too new (and likely registered), he might have to settle for the next best thing… as most of us do, sadly.

Keep a weather eye out for the “documenter,” otherwise known as surveillance. Security cameras might not always be enough to scare away crooks, but they don’t hurt either. The sound of breaking locks might not rouse someone from his or her Halo 3 binge, but God willing, they just might come out and bust a cap.

Finally, and most importantly, search for the ugly chick that looks like a man, or in other words, the overtly male bike. It’s impossible to predict if a bike thief prefers a mountain bike to a girly beach cruiser, so parking your bike in the near vicinity will ensure that he has options – other than your bike, of course.

As the saying “when in doubt, pull out” applies to many aspects of life, it is especially prudent when discussing the issue of bikes. Prior to entering class or wherever your destination may be, remove your own bike seat and bring it with you. Only a really desperate bike thief will be willing to ride without a saddle, especially if he is a male or has no self-respect. Sure, when you bring it into lecture some people may laugh at you, but you’ll most assuredly have the last laugh when that person’s bike is stolen at that very moment.

Assuming you successfully heed this advice – as well as lock your own correctly (preferably around the chain and gears) – you can rest assured that your bike will slide under the radar and that you can forever ride it dirty to your heart’s content.