Welcome to UCSB. The University of Casual Sex and Beer? Definitely. What you will find here, aside from lectures, classrooms, lots of overpriced books you probably won’t read and beer pong every night of the week, is that there is no cooler sphere of college life for sex and shenanigans than UCSB. Not only that, but you’re about to enter the dorms. You will most certainly be written up for drinking, attend C.A.S.E. and “get better.” Basically that means you will drink just as much as you did before, but now with a goal of hitting a certain blood alcohol content (BAC) before you hit up late night at De La Guerra (DLG) Dining Commons and avoid the Isla Vista Foot Patrol (IVFP). Wow, that’s a lot of acronyms.

Anyway, the dorms are awesome. I guarantee that no matter how sick of them and the dining commons you are at the end of the year you will miss your friends living a few feet away, eating every meal with them and never doing your dishes. But the dorms lead to more sex than Ron Jeremy can imagine, and my advice to all of you incoming freshmen is to be careful what you stick your dick into. Or for that matter, what dicks and other objects you let get stuck inside of that cozy little object you ladies call a vagina. For obvious reasons, you want to avoid sexually transmitted infections, but you also want to avoid accidentally boning a friend. I’m willing to bet that most of you will disregard this advice – alcohol has a way of tricking our brains like that. The reason I tell you this: There is way too much practice punani and warm-up wang surrounding you in the dorms to waste a good friendship when you ruin their night with a case of the accidental pink eye.

Practice punani? Oh yes girls and boys, you are surrounded by good-looking people who you more than likely won’t ever see again after making sweet, sweet not-so-intimate love. Yes, you’ll see them in the dining commons, at parties and you might wake up next to them again after a night of heavy drinking. However, if you pass by them silently or with a friendly “What’s up?” you don’t have to worry about any awkwardness – they’ll understand that it was simple sex and nothing more.

Now, as is the case when you start a new phase in life, you should set some lofty goals for yourself. College just so happens to be this kind of transition. Sure, go ahead and set that goal to keep a 4.0, and watch your dreams crumble in front of you. Or, you could take my advice and make some goals that are actually attainable. I’ll give you a few to start your lists off: Have sex in a dorm bunk bed. You’ll never be more terrified that a bed will collapse underneath you than having it creak with every hip thrust. Get it on with someone else in the room and see if you can keep it quiet enough to not wake them up. Better yet, make your partner scream so loud they wake up the third party and all your neighbors. Try something new – anything from anal to a sixty-nine to a threesome – you won’t regret it, hopefully.

I’m glad I could start you off on your scavenger hunt for snatch, your prowl for penis. If you ever have questions, don’t be afraid to go to the Student Health Center, contact the lovely people over at SexInfo at www.SexInfoOnline.com and you can even contact me. Even if I can’t help you I can at least point you in the right direction, if you know what I mean.