In sunny Isla Vista, riding your sexy lab partner has become as common and socially acceptable as riding a bike to class – and I firmly believe that people should be able to do whom they want, when they want. However, there is always a point where self-gratification goes too far and interferes with the lives of the good friends or lovers you have been lucky enough to find in this seaside paradise. As college has progressed, I have learned who my real friends are, and I have done my best to maintain those friendships that I know will last forever.
So, I have compiled a list of sexual no-no’s that will keep your sex life healthy and your friendships intact. Even if your conscience doesn’t require you to follow these friendship rules, remember: These are the people who know most almost everything about you, including your myriad of embarrassing moments, such as that one tragic night you slept with that nameless fugger you picked up after one too many pitchers at Sam’s To Go. The following sexual faux pas are some of the shadiest ways to get hookups and to satisfy your spur-of-the-moment urges.
Sex faux pas number one is cheating. This is the ultimate no-no. Not wanting monogamy is understandable – we’re in college for Christ’s sake. You probably want to bang everything you can before you are thrown into the real world and it becomes a hundred times harder to sleep with someone who isn’t an absolute sleaze. However, it is important to have balls and respect for your significant other. End it when you’ve grown bored, and definitely end it before you pass your partner those herpes you picked up from that bouncer at two-for-one margarita night… eesh.
Openly despising your ex’s new significant other is faux pas number two. I have been on both sides of this and haven’t enjoyed either. Obviously, the thought of someone you care about screwing someone else would make any normal person want to claw out eyeballs; but at our age, it’s virtually impossible to find someone who hasn’t succumbed to the advances of someone prior to you. It’s unrealistic to expect your ex to vow a life of chastity once you have finished with them. I’m not proud to admit that I have been a bitch to girls for nothing other than hooking up with boys I like, but I’ve done it. Remember that the villain here is none other than our green-eyed nemesis, Envy, and not your ex’s new arm candy. Being the victim is bad, but flying into a jealous rage is enough to send any possible hook-up in your presence running for the hills.
Openly despising your new lover’s ex is the third faux pas in the world of college dating. Since you’re now dating the desirable catch, you have already won any competition you may feel is being played out with his or her ex. Being nasty to the ex is not only childish, but makes you look insecure in your own relationship, which is one of the most unattractive qualities someone can display. Plus, all of your new lover’s friends will think you’re a psycho, which could have harmful effects on your relationship.
Hooking up with someone your friend likes is the fourth faux pas and the quickest way to ruin a friendship. I don’t care how drunk you are, how hot he is, how much she was flirting with you or how unlikely your friend’s chances at romance are. You absolutely should never do this because it proves you value a sexual relationship more than a friendship, which is just shitty. Guys seem to care less about this than girls do – perhaps they’re just secretly holding out for a threesome? I guess I’ll never know.
The next time you’re exploring the best ways to go bump in the night, remember to maintain a level of respect for yourself and the relationships you value. If you respect your friends and lovers, they will keep your naughty secrets safe and leave you free to enjoy your college romps without a dirty conscience.