Bikinis, board shorts and beers are back, baby. With Spring Quarter, many of you will be heading to the beach with your Corona and rafts, but it’s not just the sun that’s coming out.

No, there’s also something more sinister in the air. Guys out there, I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I ask – nay plead – the lovely ladies of Santa Barbara for this one small favor Spring Quarter.

Throw away those oversized sunglasses. Now. Please, for the love of God.

I know they’re Dolce & Gabbana. I know they cost, like, $200 and I know that you don’t care what I think, because you like them, and they’re not for my enjoyment.

But what if I told you that you’re being judged?

Yes, judged. I hope this is working and you’re getting really self-conscious about your hideous and vulgar facemask. Don’t resist the nagging urge to take them off, you can’t read the Nexus with shades on anyway. Duh.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but they make you look like a bee – the kind that flies around and pollinates things, and can sense ultraviolet light with its oversized, evil-looking eyes. This is fitting, because men think you look like a “beezy” when you wear them.

Indeed, I have developed a scientific maxim about your beezy goggles: the bigger the lens, the bigger the beezy.

Whoa, hey! Don’t get mad. Oh c’mon, you know it was only a joke. You’re making a big deal out of this, relax. Seriously, I think you’re really pretty!

That’s why I wish you’d trade that fucking swim mask in for a smaller pair of understated, classy sunglasses. I just want to be able to see your beautiful face, I swear.

When I was a freshman, I thought big sunglasses were just another trend that would go away in a few months, but I was wrong. Just because all of your friends wear them doesn’t mean they look good. Think Crocs, or UGG boots. Actually, don’t even get me started on UGG boots…