Welcome, prospective students and parents, to your UCSB campus walking tour! My name’s Eric, and I’ll be your guide today. I hope by imparting some of my student wisdom I can help make your college decision a little bit easier. However, judging by your class’s record high average 3.98 GPA, you probably already know everything. Hahahaha. If anyone has any questions during our walk, don’t ask! Just kidding, hehe. Feel free to ask me anything. I am a veritable wealth of UCSB knowledge and I’m at your service.

All right, let’s start our tour… let’s start… we’ll begin… I… I can’t do this anymore, goddamn it! These lies are such a burden! I’m a salesman, a phony, a fraud. My smile, for instance – it’s unbearable. I haven’t been able to hold an authentic smile since sometime in August 2004. “Oh look, our tour guide is so happy, UCSB must be a good place, blah blah blah blah, I’m a fat, middle-aged parent and this is my obnoxious offspring and we suck.” I am not happy. I am a pre-med. I suffer from chronic anxiety, panic attacks, an irregular heartbeat, impotence and, worst of all, stress-induced flatulence. (Farts). Biochemistry has devoured what meager scraps of my soul organic chemistry left me with. I am like the Terminator, a robot whose entire existence is defined by a single goal, to get into medical school, and I’ll kill everybody that gets in my way.

The university and its cronies, they want your money. They want me to be cheerful and they want me to be ingratiating, but I hate all of you. You’re all so fucking smug. 3.98 GPA. Wow, who gives a shit? Your grades are as inflated and misrepresentative as your egos. And your SAT scores, ha! Those are certainly nothing to be proud of. In China, they use the math portion of the SAT to test toddlers for mental disabilities. If a five-year old scores even slightly below perfect, he or she is diagnosed with some form of retardation. No sir, that is not true. I was exaggerating for effect (fart). I’m saying that your kid is stupid, regardless of what his standardized test results say. Yet, he still thinks he’s hot shit.

Considering the current state of America’s “higher” education, I guess you fit in fine. We pre-meds have it tough, but everybody else is worthless. Just plain scum. You wanna hear some real jokes? Not like that banal bullshit I was feeding you earlier.?

Why did Helen Keller have trouble communicating? Because she was a UCSB communication major. Get it? I’ve got more. Why did Helen Keller have trouble expressing herself? Because she was a UCSB English major. Wait, wait, this last one’s my favorite. Why did all the UCSB film majors say that Helen Keller was pretentious? Because she’d seen more good movies than them. Zing, right? Nobody’s laughing (fart). Why aren’t you laughing? Good, now you all seem to get it.

This will be our first and only stop on the tour, so take notes. This is a toilet. If you look quickly, parents, you can see the thousands of dollars you spent on your child’s tuition being flushed away alongside their vomit. While I’ve pored over reaction mechanisms (fart), protein structures (fart) and electron probability distributions (fart)(fart)(fart), countless UCSB students have wasted their time getting plastered and fucking around. I swear to God, if they are ever unlucky enough to find themselves on my operating table in the future, I will cut out their organs and sell them to needy children in Africa.

We’re all going to die anyway, and soon. Can’t you feel it? Everything’s all fucked up in the world. I can hear it in the wind, in the ocean, in the mountains. A porpoise spoke to me in a dream last night and told me that the end was near. He sounded serious this time. If he’s right – and dream porpoises usually are – then why go to college? Go here, anywhere, it doesn’t matter. What, you think I’m crazy? (fart). I’m a doctor, dammit! You need to listen to me. I prescribe things! I prescribe a double dose of go fuck yourselves to everybody here!