Now that Spring Break is over, the vacation can finally begin. Spring Quarter is to students as, well, spring is to any kind of animal – time to hump and make some babies. Thanks to contraception, though, we can get as freaky as we’d like under the spring sun and not have to worry about screaming babies. It’s the time of year when the girls are happy because they can pull out their cute spring dresses and the guys are happy about the free show they get on the bike path when said dresses come out. Spring is definitely the quarter to ditch class – you have the beach, the sun and more often than not, an empty house to fool around in while your roommates rack up stamps for the 50 Club at the Study Hall.
Unfortunately, locking your roommates out of the room to do the deed can lead to your booty call fleeing the scene, incurring the visual wrath of your irate roommates as they wait impatiently outside the bedroom door, sexiled from their own bedroom. Ah, the sexile. We’ve all been there, day or night, being booted from your bedroom so your roommate could get his or her freak on. If you were lucky, the sexile came in the form of an awkwardly whispered request, “Um, could you leave for five minutes?” If you were unlucky, chances are no request ever came your way. You may have been sleeping peacefully in an alcohol- or drug-induced coma until you heard your roomie’s various slaps, moans, grunts and wheezes. Aside from having an all out hissy fit, throwing clothes and smacking naked asses, there are a few more socially acceptable ways of handling this unfortunate situation. You can attempt to drown out the noise by playing the “party mix” on your iPod, or pray silently that he becomes flaccid, she becomes dry or one of them passes out spontaneously during sex. If attempting to sleep leads to no avail, your last option is to dutifully pack up your trusty blanket and stumble to another room, accepting your fate as “the sexiled.”
If you, as the victim, feel punishment is in order, my favorite is to cheerfully sing out, “Who is that in bed with you?” This is a clear insinuation that the late night lover carefully selected after your roommate’s five tequila shots is, alas, one of many booty calls. I call this an instantaneous mood killer, which leaves you free to pass out as your roommate fiercely defends his or her stance on monogamy.
Feeling frisky? If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! No, I’m not suggesting that you rip off your jeans and announce that it is time for a mŽnage ˆ trois time. It’s all about bringing in some new blood, baby! Find yourself a partner of your own and challenge your roommate and their lover to an all-night sex-fest. Beat them at their own game! However, without the essential component of a lofted or bunked bed, this idea must be thrown out the window, unless you want to have a clear visual of your neighbor going down on your roommate – eesh.
If you are not into voyeurism and you find the room occupied when you come home late night with a partner of your own, you should try experimenting elsewhere in the house. My personal favorite is the bathroom – the toilet and sink provide surfaces for fun sexual positions and you have a lock on the door for privacy! Plus, steamy sex in the shower is really fun, but the small walls can echo so be careful about your noise. The couches in the living room provide a viable option, but the kitchen is out of the question – you eat there, people. Once, out of sheer spur-of-the-moment horniness, I did it right there in the hallway. The thrill of being caught made it that much more exciting – but this can be emotionally scarring to an innocent roommate wandering the house.
So, if you ever come home to find yourself sexiled from your room, remember that a roommate who takes one for the team is more likely to see this kindness reciprocated in the future. If you don’t kill the mood for your roommate, he or she will be more inclined to accept their own sexile next time you are in the mood for sex without an audience.