This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Two months of hunger strikes, petition drives, town hall meetings and class walkouts have propelled the UCSB administration into founding the country’s first white men’s studies dept.
Joining the ranks of other critical studies departments such as Chicano/Chicana studies and women’s studies, the white men’s studies dept. will focus on issues historically relevant to white males, including but not limited to upper management positions, American presidential elections, all of western civilization and the comedic stylings of Bob Hope.
“Today the people have spoken, and they have been heard,” said third-year history major John Green as he spoke to a crowd of excited white males in Storke Plaza. “Specifically, white males have spoken and been heard, but I’d like to think that’s representative of how everyone else is feeling.”
Green, with the help of several other European Student Union members, led the charge to create the department after he was “publicly shamed” in a Sociology 1 course this fall for being what he calls “just a regular privileged white guy.” Since then, he said, he and other white males have rallied the administration, using everything from their patented “White is Alright” cheer to their intimidating acoustic guitar talents.
“White men make up only 24 percent of this campus, whereas in the rest of California and indeed the world the number is more like 90 percent,” Green said. “Why are we treated as pariahs? Why are we blamed in academia for everything, including sexism, racism and sexist racism? It’s high time we studied this phenomenon and other areas of interest to the white male, like ‘Godfather’ quotes.”
Business economics professor Robert Crotchety, soon-to-be chair of the white men’s studies dept., said the UCSB Academic Senate originally balked at the idea of such an area of study, as well as potential outreach efforts.
“They got anxious when I brought up plans to build a White Men’s Center, and started fuming when I announced my intention to create scholarships for the major using funneled money from the women’s studies dept. ‘Hottest Faculty’ calendar – once again my idea,” Campbell said. “But what swayed them was the strong proposed curriculum. That, and my threat to colonize their departments if they didn’t give me what I wanted.”
Classes for the newly approved department include up-close studies of white men such as Plato and other Greek philosophers, writers like Dante and Shakespeare, extremely influential jazz musicians such as Benny Goodman, basketball genius Mark Madsen, rap music founder Eminem and Colin Powell.
“We’re thinking we may have to eventually split the department into dead white men’s studies and live white men’s studies, but that’s a long way off,” said second-year political science major Peter Richardson, leader of the three hunger strikes that helped pressure the administration. “We, of course, will include science classes that delve into solving white male problems with such things as artificial foreskin – that would be so awesome.”
While white men on campus wait for this historic major to open, many are busying themselves with expanding the reach of white male influence on campus. Aside from tailgate barbeques, white male students are currently lobbying Associated Students to form a White Men’s Commission as well as a White Male Liaison.
“We have finally overcome,” Green said. “Now is our time, and now is the time for us to move forward.”