Of all the things that occurred over winter break, Gerald Ford dying concerns me the least. Let’s be honest, his greatest legacy is giving the Betty Bloomer Clinic a better surname.

I am, however, deeply concerned with alcoholism in America: It’s not widespread enough. The U.S. ranks number 11 on a list of the world’s top beer consumers, right behind Venezuela. Are we going to let that bastard Chavez beat us? Hold up a 40, America.

Today’s Forecast: Isla Vista proves to be the most patriotic of places.