“Perhaps play a little game called ‘just the tip.’ Just for a second, just to see how it feels.”
I snorted with laughter, spewing Sprite and throwing popcorn all over my equally enthusiastic girlfriends. The scapegoat that keeps our very fragile “sex number” down, right there on the silver screen, glorified by Vince Vaughn. It was excellent.
Living in Isla Vista, I have had the terms socially “acceptable” and “unacceptable,” in reference to number of sex partners, pounded into my head by one too many judgmental guys. These are the same guys who sleep with anything that comes between them and Freebirds at 3 a.m. and the same guys who freak if a girl has slept with one person over the “acceptable” number, whether that number is five, 10, or 50. In response to this common sexist scrutiny, my girls and I embraced our own definition of sex, which is when one or both partners finish from vaginal intercourse. If no one cums, it doesn’t count! This left us the loophole of “starting to have sex,” fondly referred to as the game of “just the tip” in “Wedding Crashers”. It is a complex system that takes into account the number of alcoholic drinks consumed, the time limit of actual penetration, and how much we like the person in general. Numbers of partners for one girl can range from five to 13 and a half, depending on which elements of the equation are taken into account (the “halfers” are the result of very complicated/blurry sexual situations – usually involving copious amounts of alcohol and some sort of retaliation against a former lover).
Guys, you can use this game to your advantage as well. Tired of being turned down by your dream woman because you’re too much of a “player”? Stop around my house and I’ll give you the physical directions for my magic equation to lower your numbers. Trust me, I’m a professional.
What makes sex count? It may seem like a silly question, but I’ve heard many answers ranging from oral sex to vaginal penetration to the ejaculation of the male specifically. Personally, I think that sex shouldn’t be counted until both partners orgasm. That way, guys would need to try harder than a few drunken pumps to earn their bragging rights, and I would practically be a virgin!
Also, when your new sex partner casually asks you how many guys you’ve slept with, I strongly recommend not answering with “does it count if he doesn’t finish?” Apparently, that is some sort of insinuation that you’d drop your panties for every boy in IV and not count one as a legitimate sex partner if he is too drunk to finish. Unless you want to spend the rest of that night trying to convince your now standoffish boyfriend to still sleep with you, I would stay away from that conversation.
Amid the variety of sex definitions out there, putting a number on your sex partners seems arbitrary and pretty meaningless, at least in terms of safety. As long as proper protection is used, people should feel more than welcome to exercise their right to explore their sexual horizons and fuck whomever they want, especially within the best-looking square-mile community in the world. So, before you label someone a whore based on his or her plethora of sexual encounters, just remember that, depending on his definition of sex, the guy you very drunkenly and very regrettably sucked off in the dorms freshman year could tell everyone that you were great in bed without ever touching your panties! Sexual judgments about numbers damage not only the said victim’s ability to get laid, but also their confidence to learn about themselves and their sexual boundaries through experience with others. The next time you’re feeling particularly hostile about that slut next door, curb your judgments. For the rest of you sex-loving, nonjudgmental kids out there, grab some condoms and send your numbers into the greater part of infinity, because you’re only young once.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Jenny Paradise wants you to obey rule #76: make no excuses and play like a champion!