The War on Drugs is over! Pretty much over. Mission accomplished, people! Pretty close to accomplished that is. Good work people. I’ve prepared a speech for the Decider in Chief:
Good People of ‘Merica. Today’s a victory for freedom in our territory. Now we can start over with clean feet. In this battle, we have fought for the cause of liberty and for the peace of the world. I’m pretty proud of us. Because of you, our nation is more secure. Because of you, the evil hippies have fallen and former stoners are free.
Operation Humboldt Freedom was carried out with a combination of precision, military-issued methamphetamines and boldness the enemy did not expect – they totally knocked over their bongs. The nation would like to thank 50 people from Poland and Jerry Cuola of Australia, who joined our noble cause and shared the hardships of war.
Things are gonna’ change fer freedom. We’ll try and show you some pictures of people celebrating. In the images of knocked over six-foot bongs we’ve witnessed the arrival of a new era of potheads getting what’s comin’ to ’em. Decades of people having drugs forced on them will be replaced by hundreds of years of liberating supervision of what ‘Mericans can put in their bodies. I sure hope this scares them terrorists too.
‘Cause I want to send a message – we’re in charge. We’ll spend lots of money we don’t have to stay in charge. We’ll fight pointless economic wars militarily and prove we don’t know what we’re doing to stay in charge. That’s ’cause we’re in charge. Don’t mess with Texas.
That took a lot out of me. Speechmaking is hard. Faking a Texas accent is hard. Maybe if I had been born in Connecticut, went to prep school in Massachusetts, got my Bachelor’s at Yale in Connecticut and my MBA at Harvard in Massachusetts I would have a more natural Texas accent. This War on Drugs thing, I’m so glad it’s over and the drug users have been liberated. I predict this weekend in Isla Vista to be the first of many 100 percent Super-Sober weekends for those of us under 21 attending this fine university. What a wondrous feeling to be liberated from control over my own body!
Think about the government like a psych major: The government is the real world externalization of your internal mother. The government told you to clean your room when you were a kid. The government made sure you respected your elders and went to church every Sunday. And now that you’re in college the government is still exactly like your mother; it sits in your dorm room and tells you whether or not you can smoke pot today. Survey says… No way, Jos