Trick-or-treat? Hell to the no. Why is it not trick and treat? I’m the kind of girl who likes both – you know, to have my cake and throw it in some bitch’s face, too. It is time for Halloween, which means skanky costumes, thousands of potential out-of-towner hook ups, unprecedented police brutality, edible sexual treats and toys, in keeping with the Halloween theme. So throw on your costume as I adjust my devil horns, and let’s get right down to some naughty trick-and-treating.
I think that the movie “Mean Girls,” at least for ladies, sums up the essence of Halloween perfectly: it is the one night of the year that a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. Dress to impress, but please keep your snatches and penises wrapped up in some sparkly costume and out of my sight. Men must be particularly careful not to break this rule, as it is well known that swords, among other weapons, are confiscated from innocent ninjas and Beatrix Kiddos every Halloween. I would hate to see someone castrated by the Isla Vista Foot Patrol due to the fact that their penis was mistaken for nunchucks. Sticking to racy lingerie is a good way to attract attention, and can be enjoyable as long as no one crosses any sexual boundaries. My experience is proof that I have no problem punching people in the face when they grab my ass in the crowd of costumed horn-balls. I may have an exceptional ass to look at, but I also have a mean right hook when you disrespect me.
Every year, thousands of out-of-towners migrate to Isla Vista, fanny packs in tow, to party with sexy locals. Among the uglies, it’s possible to find a fellow college hottie in the midst of the tourists, preferably in a small amount of clothing with booze or weed hidden in their fanny pack to enhance my state of mind. There is something about screwing someone in a costume that makes me hot. Becoming an angel who fucks a professional wrestler was a surreal and exciting sexual experience. Beware of unfamiliar terrain and always guard yourself with a condom. Keeping condoms next to your bed is a surefire way to make sure that you can always grab one without stopping the momentum of foreplay. That way you can leave your cowboy costume without any unsightly stains or foreign smells and continue life happily without the threat of a venereal disease. For the fug bugs out there, this is your chance to receive legitimate ass, as in without the use of excessive alcohol or GHB. Since costumes can be used to cover unsightly features, masks are now the friends of repulsive people. As stunning Isla Vistans, this is not our problem, but the problem of visitors. Peek behind the mask before you bone a costumed guest.
Flavored condoms and lubricants are good devices for luring your partner into giving you oral sex (and if you’re a male, drinking pineapple juice is a tasty alternative if your partner swallows). Lubes and condoms are available in an array of flavors, ranging from fruity to minty. Keeping flavored condoms around is always a good idea for gentlemen who love getting head. That way, you can get a hummer even if your partner is being smart and refusing to blow some random without any sort of protection. Instead of contracting gonorrhea in his or her esophagus, your partner will be able to pleasure you to the sweet taste of strawberries, while staying safe. People with sensitive privy parts must remember that flavored lubricants contain glycerin, which can cause discomfort. Blueberry lubricant, while a fun tool for finger-licking good foreplay, can also cause intense burning sensations in your nether regions once the actual penetration begins. My partner and I spent an hour of our previously fantasy-filled evening soaking in a bathtub and cursing the creators of blueberry lube.
So strap on your latest ensemble from Scavenge, get hopped up and make your Isla Vista Halloween memorable – and save some of your party favors for a certain Flava Flav Flavorette rocking the clock around her neck.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Jenny Paradise will go Krazy, jump through Hoopz and get Buckwild when she Nibblz on her Halloween treats Like Dat.