Suing people is awesome. Remember when that poor lady sued McDonalds after she spilt their boiling hot coffee on herself? She made millions! And I don’t know about you, but at the time I was so upset I was ready to boycott the place. I mean, what the hell? There was no warning saying it was hot! So how on earth was she to know it could possibly burn her? Surely she should not have to rely on common sense, because common sense, that’s just something of the past. I can vouch that if there’s no warning label explaining all possible results of spilt coffee on my lap, then I’m not to sure what might happen. Take this one time I bought a blowup banana to float on in my pool. I hadn’t eaten all day and was about to take a bite out of it when I saw this big warning label that said: “This is a toy. Do not eat.” Holy hell, I thought. I almost ate a toy! Good thing that warning was there, or I would have sued those assholes so fast. I mean it really did look edible.

Alas, there was no way I could sue them because they had graciously prevented my easily confused self from some serious embarrassment. But while I remain indebted to Mr. Blowup Banana Maker, deep down I’m upset that I lost a golden opportunity to sue someone, for that is what America is all about. While the credibility is uncertain, I read online that a lawsuit is filed every two seconds. I tried calling Judge Joe Brown to confirm this, but he was unavailable. The fact that court shows like his make up half of daytime television’s lineup is proof enough that Americans are fascinated with lawsuits.

Still, as awesome as it is to know how sue-happy Americans are, it is disturbing to see how scared we are becoming of lawyers. Take McCarthy Elementary School in Massachusetts as an example. This disgrace of an institution just banned tag. Yes, you heard me correctly, tag. Apparently, school supervisors are afraid that some kid is going to get “tagged” a bit too hard and have his parents sue the school. I personally haven’t played the game in a few weeks, but last time I did I remained injury-free. Sure there is always that one guy who remains “it” so long that he starts crying, but that builds character! Besides, there is way more danger in using a glue gun to build a candy gingerbread house than in playing a friendly game of tag. Those things burn. Now, I understand that a lawsuit is a lawsuit, and given the opportunity to sue someone, Americans are going to take it. I know I would. With lawyers eagerly lining up to save the world from injustice, it would not only be demeaning to yourself, but rude to these brave men not to sue.

I overheard a friend once say that judges in America never learned the word “frivolous” in grade school, and that they’ll try any case presented to them. It could be a robber who locked himself in someone’s garage or an insane housewife who blamed the school after her son tripped on a rock while playing hopscotch. It’s all fair game. My eavesdropping, however, left me more confused than that one time I tried navigating my iPod menu in French. What I did gather from the conversation was that he audaciously thought many trials in America were unfounded. Yet the two examples he gave were perfectly viable in my mind. There would be some serious problems hampering America if you couldn’t sue someone over hopscotch. Luckily, our one-of-a-kind judicial system and awesomely vindictive populace has kept the American dream alive. Fight on America. Fight on.

Daily Nexus columnist Adam Wenger once sued a girl in elementary school after she nearly tore his arm off in a vicious game of Red Rover.