Last week, I introduced the plastic sunshine palace of Southern California to my Codeoscope, but I heard voices in the distance. They cried, “Where is NorCal? Where is CenCal?” No worries, voices, because it’s your turn this week. Put your stunner shades on and shake them dreds, because it’s time to categorize the land north of Point Conception.
805: You’re from Ventura County and the bottom half of the Central Coast. You grew up in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, lucky you. You’re like a 619, basically, except liberal. Better watch out, though: 831s and 310s think you can’t surf for shit, because you have the gentlest (read: weakest) waves on the coast. Your symbol? Our campus, what else? A bunch of beach-loving party animals surrounded by beauty? Sounds like 805 to me.
559: You’re from the San Joaquin Valley or the Western Sierras. As a 559, you have a major self-image problem. No doubt people suspect that you’re into crystal, cow skins or cow tipping. Your disgust with your roots is unrivaled by anyone except possibly a 209 or 909, and you carry a lot of baggage as a consequence. My advice? Meet yourself a nice 661, preferably the south end, because those fellows in Bako are too much like you. Your symbol, I’m sorry to say, is the cow patty.
408: You’re from Silicon Valley… and Gilroy. Don’t deny it. Congratulations, you’re one of the richest area codes in America. And yet, nobody’s going to make a teen drama based on life in Cupertino, because your life just isn’t as exciting as a 949 or 310. The surroundings in which you grew up were frustratingly suburban. You’re like a 626-your compatibility match-in many respects. You know you’re richer, better educated and more Azn, but you’re too busy most of the time on your computer to fight for your respect. That’s why your symbol is the YAP.
510: You’re from East Bay, a.k.a. East Yay. Yee! Whether you lived in the hills or the flatlands, you’re hella hip at the moment, because 510 is the hyphy capital of the world, yadadamean? Otherwise, you’re like a 415 in many respects, except grittier, more urban (read: more ghetto) and slightly less of a flake when it comes to your politics. Fight the power with 213s and 707s, and when you’re going dumb at your next sideshow, remember your symbol: the black hole at the coliseum.
415: You’re from the Land of Fruits and Nuts: San Francisco and Marin County. As a 415, you’re convinced that you know exactly how the country should be run, and you view 310s, 323s and 818s as freeloaders that take all of your water. Who could blame you for being so elitist? You live in a beautiful area with great food, great culture, great schools and George Lucas. Just remember, though, that everyone else thinks of you as a flake. That’s why your symbol is the trustifarian: you protest the government and preach against the dangers of big corporations while living off a bank account with more dollar bills than rainbow flags in the Castro.
209: You’re from the upper San Joaquin Valley or the Western Sierras. As a 209, you’re probably there because your family was priced out of the Bay Area. Don’t worry, so are most Americans. Unfortunately, you were left growing up in places like Stockton and Modesto, which are naturally filled with legal citizens, low crime rates and absolutely no meth. Your symbol is the Thunderbird – the $1.99 wine from Modesto that doubles as lighter fluid and symbolizes your “Wal-Mart NorCal” lifestyle.
707: You’re from the North Bay, Wine Country and the North Coast. First of all, if you’re from Vallejo or somewhere else in Solano County, then stop reading this. You’re really a 510 and you know it. A true 707 grew up in the country and the amount of wealth your family possesses correlates with how far away you were from the Oregon border. You’re really, truly, genuinely a weird motherfucker, kinda like your 415 neighbors in Marin except even further on the lunatic fringe. There’s simply no such thing as a moderate 707; you’re either a socialist hippie or a fascist redneck. One thing unites you silly 707s: it’s the purple kush. Your pride, your joy and, you guessed it, your symbol.
Daily Nexus columnist Christopher Hickey will have the uncensored, uncut Codeoscopes on his Facebook account.