Girls are manipulative bitches. We get what we want, where we want it, when we want it. Guys, just think about how many drinks you’ve bought that cute girl eyeing you across the room. You think she was actually interested? Ha. You make me laugh.

We’re born with the ability to manipulate and deceive. Daddy’s little girl is spoiled for a reason.

In middle school, in a pathetic attempt to get cool points, us girls figured out how to attract the attention of the horny boys with too-short skirts and midriff-baring shirts. The administration called us whores; we called it popularity.

Everything we do is to get something, be it attention, alcohol or love. We never have to buy alcohol because of our ability to convince you that if we’re drunk enough, we will hook up with you. Once we’ve had enough, we’ll tell you we’re too drunk to stay out any longer and that it’s time to go home. No, we don’t need you to walk us home; we have a boy waiting for us. Ouch, huh? We “feel bad,” really, but that’s just how it goes. And, if you’re that guy and you’re wondering if we’re lying – yes, we are.

Every once in a while, though, we’re not lying and we actually do have someone back at home whom we’ll stumble home drunk to. If we’ve convinced you to love us, I’m sorry. As soon as we’ve gotten all the free crap we want, you’re out. Then we’ll convince you that we’re too good for you and that we deserve better, so you’ll break up with us. That makes you an ass, and us the poor girls who got dumped by some jerk.

Now you’re alone and we’re surrounded by guys who want to be the ones to save us from our “misery.” No rebound for you, either. We’ve convinced all the girls we know you’re horrible in the sack and you don’t even know what the clit is.

Good luck in life, boys. You’ll damn well need it when you’re dealing with us.

Daily Nexus assistant opinion editor Nicki Arnold gets lots of free shit every weekend.