Hey girl, you feelin’ alright? You look like you could use a nice back massage. Here, allow me. You like that? Yeah, hehe, awesome. Um, I mean, so what seems to be the problem?

You just broke up with your boyfriend, huh? And you found him in bed with another woman? Wow, that’s really terrible. I’m sorry, babe. It could always be worse though, you know. Oh, he asked you if you wanted to make it a threesome. Well, hey, don’t blame yourself. It’s not like he had some big sign tattooed to his forehead that said, “I’m a Bad – .” He had that tattooed on his arm, huh? Weird.

Anyway, let me get you a glass of wine. Yeah, I know, guys can be such assholes. On behalf of my gender, please allow me to apologize for jerks like your ex. Oh, you think you’ll get back together? Whoops, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to massage you so hard.

You know, it seems to me that guys like that just love to control girls. It kind of reminds me of this one time when my old roommate went up to this hot girl at a party and said, “Hey, I know you think you are the shit, but let me tell you something that is very serious and dear to my heart: You are, in fact, not the shit.” And do you know what she did when he said that? She took him home and made him dinner! Haha! I miss that guy. I wonder where he is now…

Wow, you really went through that wine pretty fast, didn’t you? No, don’t worry about it! It was my pleasure. Really! Anyway, I think I have an idea on how we can get back at your boyfriend. Say, have you seen my bedroom yet?