So, you put yourself out there and somehow the gods smiled on you this year and you finally got laid. It will be awhile before you and your friends get over the initial shock, but when you finally do, try and look at things objectively.
If it was just a one-night thing, don’t exchange numbers. If you have his number you will be tempted to dial it and we all know that those late night phone calls can be much more hazardous to a girl’s psyche than a clean break.
If you do get her number, be careful. Some girls will go nuts if you don’t call. They’ll vandalize personal property, spread rumors, spill drinks – anything they can possibly do to get your attention. If you are this girl, do you think he will feel bad he didn’t call you after you kick in his taillight and tell his neighbors that he has the tiniest penis imaginable? He will be thanking his lucky stars he didn’t call you back because you are crazy. Please try and understand that he didn’t call you back because you two are clearly incompatible on all levels except for the one marked “Drunken Mistake.”
Also, a note on awkward encounters. While it may be tempting to sprint the other way when you encounter her at the UCen Bookstore, this will draw more attention to you than desired. Why not simply sink subtly through the aisles until you can exit without causing a ruckus, or, even better, embarrassingly wave her down from across the way? The sooner you learn how to deal with the awkwardness, the less awkward things will seem.
Sex isn’t about numbers. It doesn’t matter how many partners you’ve had. Someone with upwards of 30 partners can be more clueless about sex than someone who has had only a handful of lovers. The only way to have the best sex possible is to be intimate with a repeat partner – someone who knows where all your obvious hot spots are and who is willing and eager to uncover all the hidden ones.
The most important thing about sex is to forget about it. It’s going to happen eventually, so why stress about specifics? You might as well forget it exists and make time for the real people who matter: your friends. No matter how silly it may sound, it’s the truth.
It’s been weird being the sex columnist. I’ve never had so many drunken sexual proposals – not even when I worked at a hardware store next to a dive bar. Sorry I never took any of you up on the offer. I hope you’ll understand.
To Ashley, Julie, Blaire, Megan, Bre and Alison, I’m sorry I was never able to write an article that effectively reflected the richness and diversity of your culture. I was able to relate to Spencer and Juan more because they like men and were more descriptive in their praise of the male body than you six ever were for the female one. I promise you, I admire the feminine physique and mystique, but understand that I can’t relate on your respective levels. Please stop threatening me. I never meant to offend or exclude. I just wanted the most accurate articles possible.
To all of the boys, too numerous to list here, but especially at 1025 Embarcadero and 6609 Trigo Road: Thanks for always welcoming us into your homes and hearts, even though we can be obnoxious, pushy and needy. You have contributed to many stories and memories and, one day, you’ll be hearing from our lawyers.
To Greg, thanks for reading every article and being positive about each one. But, for real, stop hitting on my friends. No amount of flattery or innuendo is going to turn them. Besides, who else but me is going to love a redhead? Gross.
To everyone who hated it or loved it, thanks for reading some of these articles. It’s been fun getting to write and think like a sailor every week.
Some of you will be moving on and some of you will simply be taking a break, but, regardless, I hope you all will be getting laid.
Daily Nexus columnist Nina Love Anthony hates tearful goodbyes, so she’ll probably send you an e-mail instead.