Life without sex: Sometimes you chose it; sometimes it chooses you.
Being abstinent by decision is fulfilling. Being abstinent by default can make a girl crazy. Calm down, I’m going to help. I have some pretty great advice from a highly trained group of professionals: People who have sex regularly.
The first step to getting laid is to forget about it. Go rub one out, take a cold shower, go running, anything else. Stressing about your lack of a sex life isn’t going to help you get one.
If you’ve been going through a massive dry spell, there are a few things you need to do. One is to get over your ex. Sex with other people is not going to change anything if you still have intense feelings for him. Another is to change something lifestyle-wise. You’re in a slump, and the only way to get out of one is to pick up something to divert yourself. Maybe it’s exercise. Maybe it’s literature, or even a club on campus. Whatever it is, do it. Change always brings new perspectives on things and new people into your life. We all know that new people means more chances to get laid. If you make new friends, make an effort to hang out with them. Filling your life with new and interesting people is always a great idea, whether or not you’re trying to have sex with them.
When you finally get out there, never, ever act desperate. It may have been awhile, but desperation doesn’t work for anyone. People can smell it on you, and it smells bad. Be resigned to your fate. If it doesn’t work out tonight, go home. You haven’t been getting laid anyways, so what is one more lonely night?
If you’re feeling a little tense, have a drink. Maybe two. Do not have eight shots and five beers and then go out thinking you’re a fucking stud and that any girl is going to jump right into your pants. If desperation smells bad, guys who are about to puke all over you smell even worse.
Along this vein, while it may seem logical, don’t pick on the drunkest girl there. If she’s unfortunate enough to not have friends that are looking out for her stumbling self, that’s a shame, but it’s not an open invitation to prey on her. Besides, if you’ve ever been too drunk and laid down too quickly, you know it’s just going to make her puke. Do you really want to take a girl home who is about to spew? Let her go on her merry way. Maybe she’ll get arrested, maybe she’ll go home with some creepy guy, maybe she’ll make it home okay, but it’s a lot better for your conscience if you know there’s not some hungover girl out there wondering who you are and whether or not she should press charges. Trust me.
Be comfortable with your surroundings. No one wants to talk to the ice queen in the corner who feels claustrophobic. Start conversations with perfect strangers, go dance, and we all know that the keg is the perfect spot for blossoming love affairs. If people see that you’re having a good time and are at ease, they’ll want to get in on the fun – and get in you.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about sex, it’s that opportunities manifest themselves when you least expect them. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about I.V., it’s that anyone has a chance, on any night, with anybody. I think it has something to do with the lighting, the booze and the atmosphere, but whatever it is, capitalize.
Most importantly, remember that sex isn’t love. In some rare cases, sex may lead to it, but don’t count on it. If your lamentations over a lack of a sex life are masking your real complaint, that you don’t have a boyfriend, then you need to remain abstinent until you can put things in perspective. No one deserves to be stalked because of your hang-ups.
Sex isn’t everything. Rest assured that you’ll get laid eventually, even if you have to call up a distant ex or give in to that one guy who is always around but rarely appealing. Beggars can’t be choosers. When life gives you a lemon, make some sexy lemonade.
When life gives Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony a yeast infection, she makes sexy beer.