Renouncing Her Possessions… and Her Sobriety
Friday, May 5, 12:45 p.m. – Deputies patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive watched an 18-year-old woman stagger out of a party, step over a low wall and fall.

The woman tripped on the wall, dropped her cell phone and then toppled headfirst onto the sidewalk, where she lay sprawled in a gutter.

An officer approached the woman to see if she was injured, but she was miraculously unharmed. The deputy asked the subject where she planned to spend the night, and she replied, “632 DP.”

The woman appeared to have no clue where she was or what she was doing, and when the officer asked her for her driver license, she answered, “I don’t have it; I don’t have anything.”

The woman, who was not – as she claimed – devoid of all possessions, was persuaded to hand over her purse. After a quick search, the deputy located her license.

The woman, who apparently was not very in touch with reality, began mumbling incoherently and speaking a nonsensical language.

The subject was arrested for public intoxication and booked into the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Hammered
Friday, May 5, 11:08 p.m. – Officers walking eastbound on the 6500 block of DP observed a woman stumble out of a party, leaning heavily on man who was practically carrying her down the street.

The woman appeared extremely intoxicated, and the officer approached her to see if she was OK.

The deputy asked the woman how much she had had to drink, and she told him she had drank “plenty.” The officer asked the woman to be more specific, and she said she had taken three shots.

The man, who the subject identified as her neighbor, left the woman with the officers.

While waiting for a patrol unit to arrive, the woman suddenly stood up and said, “Are you going to detain me or detest me?”

The officer assured the woman that she did not repulse him, but he did place her in handcuffs and arrest her for public intoxication.

En route to the Santa Barbara County Jail, the woman began to mumble, and carried on a conversation with herself as if she was talking on the phone. Once at the jail, the woman got out of the police cruiser, spit on it and was subsequently booked and housed, pending sobriety.

Doubled Down and Out
Saturday, May 6, 3:47 p.m. – Officers patrolling Greek Park for the All-Sorority Volleyball Tournament were alerted to an inebriated 19-year-old man who was leaning against a trashcan.

The deputies approached the subject, who was sitting with his head between his legs, propped up by the receptacle.

One of the officers pulled the man up to his feet and attempted to escort him from the park, but the subject began to fall over and was unable to walk by himself.

The deputy sat the man on the curb as they waited for a patrol unit to transport him to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office, and the subject fell over three times before the cruiser arrived.

When the officer asked the man how much he had had to drink, the subject admitted to drinking “two 40s and two 11s.”

The man was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Sticks and Stones…
Saturday, May 6, 11:58 a.m. – Officers patrolling Greek Park for the All-Sorority Volleyball Tournament observed a 20-year-old man standing in front of a hedge, zipping up his shorts.

A deputy approached the man to see what he was doing. He contacted the subject, who was swaying from side to side, nearly falling over.

The officer grabbed the man, and detected a strong odor of alcohol. The officer removed the man from the park, and arrested him for public intoxication.

While being transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, the man repeatedly called the arresting deputy a “cunt.”

Evidently realizing that cursing at the deputy while handcuffed in the back of a police car was not the best way to improve his situation, the man then told the deputy that he would “take care” of him later.

The man was transported to the jail and booked without further incident, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Almost Only Counts in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades
Friday, April 28, 11:11 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of DP were heading westbound on the street when they saw a man walking toward them stumble into a parked car.

The man nearly fell to the ground, but was able to catch himself by grabbing the car’s side mirror.

The deputies approached the man to check on his safety, and an officer began questioning him.

The officer asked the subject how much he had had to drink that night, and the man gave him his best estimate, “Roughly five shots.”

The deputy then asked the man his address and his age. The subject did not recall where he lived, but did a little more estimating when the officer asked how old he was.

The man, who was actually 21 years old, did some quick mental arithmetic and came up with an answer that was so close, and yet so far, telling the police that he was only 18.

The officer then did a little estimation of his own, and determined that the man was too intoxicated to care for his own safety or the safety of others.

The man was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

The Foot Patrol Salted His Game
Saturday, April 29, 9:04 p.m. – Deputies at the IVFP station received reports that an inebriated 24-year-old man was staggering down Pardall Road.

The man, who had just been denied entrance to The Study Hall, exhibited clear signs of intoxication, so one of the deputies attempted to contact him.

The subject spoke only Spanish, however, so an officer was brought to the scene to translate for him.

The man told deputies he did not remember how much he had to drink, but said he was “relaxed.”

The stumbling subject repeatedly told officers that he was “relaxed” and was merely “looking for women.”

For the sake of all the women in I.V., the officers decided to arrest Rico Suav