Sexual injuries, like STIs and children, are the unfortunate side effects of recreational sex. Unlike children and infections, however, 99 percent of injuries that occur during and after sex are not permanent, just incredibly uncomfortable.
Soreness is a universal complication of sex, especially in private places. Any girl who has been stuck in the missionary too long will complain of a sore groin and aching hips, especially when it’s the first time in a long time. For guys, soreness reminds them what studs they are, so this isn’t technically considered an injury to them. Ladies, all I can say is try to stay limber so you can walk without pain.
Some guys aren’t aware of this, but the most sensitive place on a woman’s body is inside of her. If she’s not wet enough, she will be sidelined from sex for a day or two, pissed off at you and suffering from a puffy, painful vagina. Also, please remember to cut your fingernails – we like our scalps and backs scratched, not our insides.
Another injury is the result of a carpet tryst. When you take your party from the bed to the floor, it’s never pretty. Rug burns are awful and tend to scar. Ladies are prone to the lower back burn, and most guys end up sacrificing the skin on their knees to get laid. For future reference, throw a blanket down, or at least keep the Neosporin handy to minimize scarring.
The knees also take a beating during sex, especially for men, and specifically in the missionary position and during doggy style. Make sure your boudoir routine is varied so your knees can get some relief. It’s a great excuse to try new positions and make her do all of the work for once.
Also: bed check. Know where you are in relationship to the edge of the bed, the desk, the nightstand, window, candles, wall and so on. Your well-being depends upon it. I heard a story involving a friend who fell off the edge of the bed and banged up his hip nicely for the next few months. You don’t want your enthusiasm to result in a trip to the hospital, and your headache should be from the alcohol, not the headboard.
There is also something I call “oral sex neck.” This occurs when your tongue just isn’t getting her there. You’ve spent at least half an hour in the same position, holding up your head and burying your face in it, only to be greeted by an obnoxious pain in your neck that will last well into the next day. This can be easily remedied by putting a pillow or two under her butt so she’s naturally a little closer to your mouth.
The male version of oral sex neck is “dick throat.” Some boys consider oral sex a chance to slam the tip of their penises into the back of an unassuming girl’s throat. Don’t ever force deep throat – if she wanted to do it, she would. This always causes a sore throat, and it’s possible that this kind of abuse will trigger her gag reflex. However, on the man’s side, be forewarned about slamming your dick into a girl’s throat: Never forget that she, most decidedly, has teeth.
The daddy of all sex injuries is the fractured penis. While rather rare, this occurs when an erect penis is suddenly and forcibly bent. This almost always occurs when a man’s penis slips out and, in his haste to pop it back in, misses the hole and hits the body instead. This requires immediate medical attention, and probably therapy so that you can have sex and not be afraid of killing your penis.
Injuries result from carelessness, so use some common sense in the sack. Don’t stick any weird, foreign objects into any orifices – keep the plunger in the bathroom. Also, ladies, make sure you pee right after sex to avoid that fabulously painful sexual side effect, the UTI.
Be careful. You’ll thank me when you graduate with your genitals in once piece, I swear.
To avoid injury and infection, Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony only uses biodegradable products to get herself off.