Let me first say that if it weren’t for that Kanye West and Jamie Foxx song just being so damn catchy, I probably wouldn’t have been inspired to write this piece. So without further ado, ladies, I give you ten foolproof steps that will someday land you a rich sugar daddy.
Step 1: Wear nice clothes. OK, let’s face it, a guy probably won’t give you the time of day if you’re hollering at him in a garbage bag. Please girls, let’s be honest here.
Step 2: Make lots of male friends. How do you know your favorite flavor until you’ve tasted them all? After meeting your new prospect, make sure to meet his friends and find out who’s richer. You need to view the whole spectrum before you finally commit to one – or two in some cases.
Step 3: Roll deep. Anyone knows that even if you look your best, a man who drives a Pinto isn’t going to get you a rock. So forget that whole work your way up thing. Please, if you’re considering golddigging go straight for the top, or as Kanye says, “don’t mess with no broke…”
Step 4: Pop in Kanye’s “The New Work Out Plan.” Remember in elementary school when the fittest kids were picked first for the dodge ball team? Yeah, it’s the same mentality all over again. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is if you’re serious, like really serious about maximizing profits here, you might want to consider looking like your at the top of your game. So, bust out your workout clothes and head to the gym. Who knows, you might even pick up some men looking cute in your new tracksuit.
Step 5: Get a cute little dog. Since Paris walks around with a fuzzy little rat in her oversized purse, you probably should, too. I mean look at all the attention she’s getting and she’s never had to work a day in her life – please, no one actually watched the “The Simple Life.” Make sure it “runs away,” too. Then you’ll really get the attention you crave.
Step 6: Invest in some bling. OK, I don’t mean platinum with real diamonds here, but you also don’t want to look like an amateur. If he’s going to make the effort and spend some dough, you want him to think you’re worth it. Just trust me and spend the $10 on fake Chanel earrings. He won’t know the difference. Plus, you can always tell him you “lost” them and then actually score some real diamonds later down the road.
Step 7: Be the hottest of all your friends. Every girl knows that the key to finding men lies in being the best looking of the bunch. Naturally, that means surrounding yourself with average looking to sub-par girls. You want a crowd that looks good enough to reel in suitors, but make sure you’re the crown jewel in order to keep them.
Step 8: Confidence, but don’t overdo it. Even though you know you’re the shit and no one else comes close, please, please, please don’t act like it. Well, you might have to in some cases but realistically, we want our sugar daddies to think that we’re cute, special and worth it. He definitely won’t get that feeling from an attention whore.
Step 9: Pretend to have goals and ambitions. If he discovers your motives, he’ll move on to the next pretty face. So don’t act like a super-ditz. Guys think it’s adorable when we tell them we want to be journalists, doctors or lawyers. Deep down they know just as well as you do, that it’s a cute little joke and you don’t really want to break a sweat working some day. And who really wants that anyways?
Step 10: Get a life. If you’re at all serious about any of this, you need to look in the mirror. Plus, that song’s ridiculously overplayed. It’s one thing to hustle every now and then, but dedicating all your time and effort to mooching a guy’s life savings is just plain shallow and sad. I feel sorry for you.
Monique Moyal is a staff writer for the Daily Nexus.