In general, I am law-abiding to the point of being annoying to those around me: “Do you really want to smoke that?” “Are you aware that you are blatantly disobeying the posted speed limit?” “Yes, it’s still illegal, even if the goat is at the age of consent.”

I’m the first to admit that I’m a bit sanctimonious. But let me tell you, there are laws that even us goody-goodies don’t obey. For example, I have a copy of Dave Brubeck’s “Take Five” on my computer that may or may not have been downloaded legally. Oh, that’s right, I’m that naughty.

Also, I occasionally ride my bike in places that aren’t entirely kosher. Yeah, I know it’s not “legal” or “safe” to ride my bike in front of Broida, but – dammit – that bike path has been torn up for ages.

I explained that to the officer, but he wasn’t very sympathetic.

That’s what really bugs me about my occasional noncompliance with the rules: I am forever being caught and harangued by the fuzz. The second I dare to do anything remotely illegal, the police show up wearing mirrored sunglasses and a smirk to lecture me.

Take last Halloween. I was stone-cold sober and on my way home from a friend’s house, coasting down Sabado to avoid the crowd. I was minding my own business when someone sticks a flashlight in my face and demands to know why my headlights aren’t on.

Mind you, I think I’m the only person in all of Isla Vista whose bike is actually equipped with headlights, and they are, indeed, very cheap headlights – very cheap and broken headlights. But who cares? Nobody uses them anyway.

Well, this group of officers, all wearing regulation sunglasses despite the late hour and lack of daylight, apparently did care. Never mind the drunken and underage horde vomiting on themselves three feet away and the twenty-seven date rapes about to take place within one block of their position; clearly, the most dangerous offender was me and my busted headlights.

I’ve had it with catching the wrath of the fuzz. I won’t stand for it any longer.

This does not mean that I’m going to be a prudent law-abider from now on.

Oh, no.

Now I’m just going to be really sneaky about things.

Sneaky like whoever it is that sets off firecrackers every other day in I.V. and who has yet to be stopped. Sneaky like those eighteen-year-old girls on DP stumbling over themselves on their way to the next party. Sneaky like those guys bribing the homeless man to buy them beer in front of the liquor store.

In short, sneaky like a Gaucho.

Because if I graduate without having learned how to avoid the police while participating in illegal behavior, haven’t I cheated myself out of the most important life skill UCSB has to offer?

Yes, my friends. And that would be the greatest crime of them all.

Daily Nexus columnist Bri Lafond won’t stand for belly button lint either, she’s that naughty.