While nursing a hangover before breakfast Saturday morning with the eight other people who slept in my room, I found myself in a familiar place: Watching bad porn. What better way to spend time with my loved ones?
Porn is neat. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. Let’s face it: Your favorite movies can’t give you what you want all the time. You probably can’t watch “American Beauty” every week, “Jerry Maguire” hasn’t had the same flair since Tom Cruise went nuts, and the constant quoting has made comedic favorites like “Old School” and “Anchorman” somewhat trite, but you can always, always pop in your favorite porn and rub something satisfying out.
Some people consider pornography to be demeaning towards women, and, because there is a niche in porn for every kind of sex, some of it definitely is. If porn is made, you can rest assured that someone, somewhere is a fan. I suppose the motto for the biz would run something along the lines of “If you make it, they will cum” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist).
Not all porn, however, strives to use women as rag dolls. Like any good industry, it is constantly looking to broaden its horizons and create merchandise that can be marketed to a specific interest group. That’s where you get porn like S.I.R’s “Hard Love/How to Fuck in High Heels”: A double-feature porn that abandoned the male-oriented formula of two straight girls getting dirty, and created a porn by lesbians, starring lesbians, for lesbians. The porn industry is extremely dynamic, and there is something out there for everyone if you’re willing to take the time to look.
Good pornography – yes, there is such a thing – is great. It’s the kind of porn that you don’t feel guilty for getting turned on by, and it doesn’t make you feel dirty after you no longer need to watch it. Just the thought of it can get your body started. Good porn will arouse you without a second thought, and you will feel inclined to share it with someone you want to touch and who wants to touch you back. You probably won’t consider it appropriate to watch stadium style with your roommates because it’s awkward being completely turned on watching TV with your friends, unless, of course, circle jerks are your thing. Even if you can’t watch it in groups, you should feel free to share good porn with your roommates by leaving it outside of their door with some lube and a note to “Enjoy.” Good porn is that good.
But bad porn – could there be anything more fascinating? I’ve spent many an afternoon, hung over and idle in front of a computer with my roommates, endlessly perusing the Internet for truly terrible sex. Nothing beats a room of friends trying to trump each other with the most graphic or bizarre porn. My favorite website for this kind of time wasting is 89.com. Hundreds of categories, from the mundane to the freakiest kink you can think of.
If you watch it alone, bad porn will give you a mental rash and make you want to burn your hands for actually whacking off to something your parents could have made better. Extremely low-budget and perhaps boring porn was not meant to be enjoyed solo because, in truth, it is unlovable.
View it in a group setting, however, and bad porn becomes an event. It’s the equivalent of watching a movie so bad that it couldn’t be any better, like “Howard the Duck” or “Showgirls”. The time you waste watching low-budget porn with your friends should be cherished during and afterward, when you discuss the dialogue over dinner or act it out later amidst raucous laughter. If you let it in, bad porn will become the soundtrack to your life.
As long as you don’t allow your love for porn to get in the way of actually having relationships with other people, porn is harmless and entertaining, not to mention at times educational. There is something out there for everyone, even you. If you get tired of looking, however, then it’s up to you to take some action and start making your own. From what I hear, the money and the perks aren’t bad.
Emmanuelle’s got nothing on Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony. Watch out, skinemax.com.