So let me see if I get this straight: Chris Trenchard’s piece “Rogue Inquiry Evades Prod” (Daily Nexus, Nov. 15), the one where he shadow boxes a fictitious caricature of a U.S. Army recruiter (and unsurprisingly wins), this is supposed to be a wry and clever condemnation of … recruitment? The Army? The fascist military industrial complex? Oh, that is so cool.
So Trenchard is a U.S. citizen, right? That means that every time there’s been a threat to the U.S., the Army, along with the rest of the Armed Services, has been up front to protect his worthless ass, correct? And, of course, with such slaying exposures of intelligent wit like, “So, what kind of drugs are they passing around in the Army today?” Trenchard proves to America the vile worthlessness of the military. Boy, talk about all those stupid soldiers who did sign up. Too bad they weren’t “hip” like Trenchard.
But hey, it’s a dirty job and someone’s got to do it, you know. Let’s just all bow down and lower our heads, thanking God that at least some worthless loser from Alabama is fighting child-killing suicide bombers and protecting Iraqi polling stations instead of Trenchard. His talents for satire are way too valuable. No, steer clear of those vile recruiters, our mutual friend and advocate. Why should you fight when other people are dying so you have the free time to fling such golden prose as, “Does living count as an answer?” when questioned, “Do you know what you want to do after college?” Ha HA! Because, obviously, everyone who joins the Army dies, right? And for such worthless causes! Democracy? In the Middle East? I agree, Trenchard! Fuck that idea!
Here’s how I look at the Army: Only evil, sadistic gun-toting retards, who lose all humanity because they’ve been too – you may want to sit down for this – boot camp, are capable of performing the horrific act that is shooting a terrorist trying to set off a car bomb. Only poor scum, incapable of redemption without some sort of psychological re-ordering, could possibly sacrifice their personal ambitions to fight to protect human rights in other countries from such people as the Taliban and uncle Saddam. And thanks to Trenchard’s exhaustively researched, winningly hip, and above all truly profound “how to annoy recruiters” article, we all have a better understanding of these facts.
Oh, wait, I made a mistake. Did I say they gave up their ambitions to fight to protect human rights? It’s like I was missing the point of my own letter! No, of course they don’t. Like all anti-military seers, I have the clairvoyance to understand that the only reason soldiers fight is for money! That’s right, I remember the party-line now: despite our Army breaking down to almost perfectly match U.S. demographics, I’m supposed to say it’s comprised entirely of poor minorities. I mean, never mind that all the soldiers on TV seem to be ethnically diverse. And screw the fact that huge numbers of recruits have college degrees. These are “facts” and like our pal Trenchard, I never let facts get in the way of a good, dismissive insult.
Hey, get this: Did you know enlistment rates have been climbing so steadily since the Iraq war, the recruitment offices have actually raised their expectations? For fuck’s sake, how can there be so many stupid people in the U.S.? I have to bow out and leave this insanity to Trenchard. Next time you see a recruiter trying to help build up the Army so we can defend our country, promote human rights and keep people like you safe, free and utterly without any real responsibility, don’t even waste time pissing him off. Just hock a loogey straight into his earnest, young face. Because frankly, Chris, that says better than anything else who you are and what you’re made of.
Paul Jones is as junior political science major.