Finally, it has happened. The Nexus has officially turned into a smut tabloid. You’ll notice that the Opinion page is filled with it today, so get out your tube socks. In news, there’s a wet spot on the front page, and in sports, the Sac-Town soliloquist fantasizes about the women’s basketball coach. The ‘human has decided to take the high road though.
Thursday’s forecast: If the ‘human had the proper reproductive organs, I’d be all wet right now.
Choked by their cap tassel during a graduation photoshoot
Accidentally daps the Chancellor up as they receive their diploma
Decided to skip commencement to go day drink on Del Playa
Ugly crying so hard they drown out "Pomp and Circumstance"
Posing on stage like there's a model scout in the audience (there was)
Can't make it up the steps due to the sheer amount of cords, stoles, and leis
Couldn't decide on a grad dress so they showed up in pajamas under their gown
Showed up to commencement high and suffering from horrendous munchies
Somehow juggling the 15 ceremonies required for their triple major
Graduated with a 5 year plan, chronic anxiety, and a great internship
Reading Kafka in the audience in hopes of an honorary English degree
had their graduation photos taken in the lagoon to be different
