The Art of Masturbation
By Brian Saso

I remember the first time I ever masturbated. It was more of an accident than anything. I remember playing a computer game called Duke Nukem at my uncle’s house. I was probably around 12 years old at the time, young by most standards. My uncle’s stepdaughter was the one who actually introduced me to the game. The game was rated “Mature,” but somehow my 15-year-old stepcousin and I were in her computer room playing it. She showed me a level of the game where Duke Nukem went into a strip club and had to kill the monsters inside. At the time, I had no idea what a strip club was, but somehow this level was rather intriguing.

After leaving my uncle’s house, I was determined to get the game. Once I obtained it, the first thing I did was find the strip club level. The best part of the level came when you went next to the dancers – you could press spacebar and they would take their tops off. Here was the catch: the dancers had nipple covers on. But hey, I was young and it was good enough for me. I remember getting fed up with the monsters shooting and killing me when I was trying to see the dancers’ boobs, so I found a code that made all the monsters disappear. After that, my finger got sore from repeatedly pressing spacebar.

That night, I lay in my bed thinking about the dancers from the game. I started rubbing my penis against my leg. Wow, that feels really good, I thought. I started rubbing it harder and harder. My brother stirred in the bottom bunk but it did not bug me. It felt too good to stop. I kept going and I began to sweat. I finally climaxed… but no semen came out.

Brian, you don’t have jizz, are you gay? Oh, hey there, meat-headed Nexus reader. Well, I was only 12 years old at the time. Well, I had jizz when I was 12. I’m sure you did, Meathead, I’m sure you did. Brian, you are a sinner and will burn in hell. Oh, hey there, ultra-conservative Nexus reader. How can you say that? The Catholic Church declared that masturbation is no longer a sin. Catholics are not Christians, they are sinners and they will burn in hell. Hey now, that is just plain mean. Brian, I like can’t believe you just told me about the first time you, like, masturbated. Oh, hey there, girly-girl Nexus reader. I know, gross huh? Almost as gross as the time I masturbated at my dorm room desk with my roommate facing me trying to fall asleep. But definitely not as gross as the time I masturbated in a bush on campus at 3:00 in the morning. Ewwwww. I know girly-girl, I know. It is disgusting to think that guys masturbate. It is even more disgusting to think that every guy on this campus has masturbated. And if there is a guy out there who denies ever having masturbated… he is lying.

But how many girls masturbate? I know there are girls who do, but I would say that the majority of girls don’t. Hell, girls don’t even want to talk about masturbation. I asked one girl, “If you could tell the world one thing about female masturbation what would it be?” She got really nervous and said, “No comment.” I asked another girl the same question and she replied, “It’s practically nonexistent.”

Can this be true? Do most girls not masturbate? Ladies of UCSB, please prove this wrong. Send your masturbation stories to the Nexus and tell the world that not only guys masturbate! And for those girls who haven’t tried masturbating, I highly recommend it. It’s like having sex with someone you love.

Brian Saso is a junior business economics major at UCSB.