Come and knock on our door, honey, because we’ve been waiting for you. If you’ve never agreed that three’s a crowd, then you, my friend, need to lock the door, collect two friends and go for it.

College is the perfect time to experiment with sexuality. For those of you going on to grad school, you’ll be studying too much to get laid. For those of you entering the workforce straightaway, you’ll be working too much to get laid. For everyone else, something else will be taking up your time, and you will be doing that too much to get laid, too.

So while you’re here at UCSB, you have a golden opportunity to get it done. While Isla Vista is beautiful, it is also one continuous orgy that kicks long-time participants out come June and welcomes fresh blood every fall. Sure there are people living here who want no part in your three-way fantasy, but, for the most part, your most willing participants are just a bone’s throwaway.

Naturally, the gender combination you choose for your trio is incredibly important. With two girls and a guy, one would expect the experience to be softer and more sensual than, say, being the female sandwich in a human re-creation of the Eiffel Tower. Some women may find the thought of two men somewhat threatening: being stuck in the “finger cuffs” position can leave one feeling stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. At the same time, however, those anxieties may be outweighed by the fact that kissing another woman is not a turn on in any way. If you’re going to do it, you’ve got to do what is right for you. And also, if the decision about gender preference is challenging in any way, then it probably is not the right time to be experimenting in this fashion quite yet.

If you are gay and have no bisexual interests, you are silently laughing at the fact that you get to sidestep this selection process and go right for the goodies. There is something harmonious about people who know how to work their own bodies while simultaneously working on the same body parts of others. While different people have different preferences, at least you don’t have to dwell on what works and what doesn’t.

The relationship between the participants in the threesome is also something to consider. While it may seem like a great way to spice up an exclusive relationship, adding somebody else to the mix can stir up drama. Consider the classic “Chasing Amy” example: seeing something in the newcomer that you desire and seeing something in the old ball and chain that you dislike. Sharing someone may not be the easiest thing for a couple to deal with, and it has the potential to ruin an established relationship. It would almost seem that your best bets could be found in a pool of your own friends. A three-way isn’t going to make a friendship as awkward or personal as regular, two-person intercourse can. Also, group activity usually deflects blame and guilt because you are all active participants, so it would seem that there is even less to feel uncomfortable about.

If you feel you may need a little bit of hooch to get you started, try to imbibe in moderation. Nothing kills the mood quicker than a nauseous participant. Nor would you care to end up like a friend of mine, who woke up in an unfamiliar room with two females on either side. His elation was short-lived, however, because as soon as he made his way home and stepped in the shower he realized that they had manhandled his member. One or two drinks should get the process going well, but if you get involved with six or seven, you, too, may find your most intimate parts black and blue.

Remember to use caution: Never get in over your head and if it starts feeling uncomfortable, there’s no shame in backing out. But don’t forget that you’re only young once. If you have even the tiniest desire, who knows? By the month’s end you may feel so liberated that you’ll find yourself frequenting Santa Barbara’s finest gangbangs. Drop my name – they’ll give you the VIP treatment.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony was an Eiffel Tower for Halloween.