Editor, Daily Nexus,

I’ve wanted to write to the Nexus for a long time, but have always procrastinated the thought into oblivion. I have a problem finishing, and I think you are the solution, Nina.

Your first column detailed explaining to various family members the new job. I’ll put it this way: the fam’ wasn’t surprised at all you took the job. They gave you the middle name ‘Love’, for fuck’s sake. The next problem I have with the column thus far: range of subject matter. You talk about blowies so much that the only thing that comes out of your mouth more than the words “suck dick” are the dicks themselves. Come on, lady. Let’s hear about the vag, pooper, dildos, big ole dongs, nipples, cuddling, Sanchez’s (dirty or otherwise) and every other spice that makes real life sex more fun than beating off to late-night HBO. Shit, every blue moon you can talk about the serious stuff too, like relationships or rape or crabs. This job gives you a soapbox, so stand on it. Hell, fuck on it.

What not to do: Write about anything remotely similar to the daydreaming article ever again. Ever. Checking people out in class is one of the only reasons many UCSB students get participation points at all, and I’ll be damned if it’s not the ONLY reason I brush my teeth in the morning.

Babe, just so you know this isn’t meant to be a personal attack, I’m cordially inviting you to UCSB’s first hockey tournament on Saturday, Nov. 5. I’d love to discuss these or any other issues then. You might even get an article out of it, if you play your cards right. Remember, hockey players are the best lovers because we always wear protection and we know when to get rough. And don’t worry about finding me; I’ll be the drunk guy with the moustache.