Where would the world be without technology? It would probably be about 92.5 million miles from the Sun, but it wouldn’t be nearly as cool as it is right now. We wouldn’t have blowtorches, “The Price Is Right” or those little plastic things at the end of shoe laces. That’s why we need to worship technology. Technology is progress. People used to lie, cheat and steal. They still do all of these things, but now they do them much faster and more efficiently.
The world has certainly come a long way since monkeys started using tools, but there’s a problem. Life is still too challenging. I can barely make it through a day without a handful of near-death experiences. This has to change. I need a few good inventors to step up and deliver some convenience-increasing devices before my own incompetence kills me.
If you’re like me then your ideal dinner consists of a nice pile of dirt with a side of steamed sewage. This is a wonderful combo. It’s organic and it tastes great. It also gives you heartworms and brain parasites. These ailments taught me a tough lesson. They taught me that you can’t always eat what you want. Many Americans are slowly discovering the same thing. They’re beginning to realize that chasing down a double-decker bacon burger and a jumbo bag of French fries with an extra large chocolate shake is a recipe for some good old-fashioned cardiac arrest. These people don’t want cardiac arrest. They want healthy lives. But how can you eat well and avoid health problems? The answer is simple. It’s called the food brick.
The food brick is a big block of food that contains a full daily-recommended value of every essential nutrient. Forget cooking over a hot stove and wasting your money in expensive restaurants. When hunger strikes, simply pull out your food brick and take a few nibbles. When nomadic thieves strike, pull out your food brick and bludgeon your attackers to death. The food brick is multi-functional. It’s part of a complete breakfast and part of an effective close quarters combat strategy. When accumulated in mass quantities, it can also be used to construct crude shacks so you can survive those extra long winters.
Right now the food brick is just an idea, but I want you to make it a reality. I want you to create this product and exploit it to the tune of millions. I need an all-in-one meal and I need it now. My convenience demands it. It also demands robots.
If you’ve ever seen an episode of “The Jetsons” then you probably know that the world could definitely use some good domestic robots to do chores and make wisecracks. Honda and Toyota are trying to fill this void. Honda’s Asimo robot looks pretty slick and climbs stairs with amazing swiftness. Toyota’s partner robots carry elderly people around and, judging by the pictures on Toyota’s website, also play a pretty mean trumpet. These mechanical creatures represent the beginning of the next generation in indentured servant technology. They can do basic chores and play some savage jazz, but they still leave a lot to be desired. I’m counting on you to take these robots to the next level. I want a robot that will kiss my feet. I want it to cry when I tease it about its grotesque plastic features. I want it to bow before its all-powerful God.
Maybe my hopes are unrealistic. Robot technology is steadily advancing, but it’s a slow crawl. That’s why I’m counting on you to come up with a cure for aging. I want to live long enough to have an army of robot slaves who can entertain me with improv comedy performances while they do my laundry and raise my children. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for these robot dreams to come true, but I know that I have to live long enough to see those days. I have to live because that’s what people do best. Imagine a world without me. It would be like this world, except without me. It’s an absurd idea. It’s downright impossible.
I think what I’m getting at is that I want to live forever. I want to live in eternal bliss without ever having to do any work. That’s the real reason why I’m seeking a few good inventors. I need you to create a machine that will sustain my existence while simultaneously providing constant stimulation to the areas of my brain that produce pleasure. This will be paradise. This will be perfect. This is the future. I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait.
Daily Nexus columnist Nick Pasto believes androids dream of Jennifer Love Hewitt.