Here it is: sitting with a cup of $6 whiskey (Canadian Springs from Rite Aid, $6 for a 750), writing the old fare-thee-well column. In my mind, it starts something like this: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times — excuse me, worst of times.

Palms and eucalypti, their scents and their leaves. The sound of the ocean. Sunny days and sunset evenings drinking in Dog Shit Park, back when it was legal. And a terrible fear of the police. Don’t let the assholes push you around once I’m gone: write columns about their irresponsible and disrespectful behavior, with names, if possible.

That said, I had my first-ever documented encounter with the IVFP and UCPD last Thursday night. A huge guitar amp, a microphone and the Book of Ezekiel led to a noise violation, carried out by a deputy of the sheriff and one officer (name removed at the suggestion of someone with common sense) of the UCPD. We had it coming.

They were assholes. They threatened my friends and I with a citizen’s arrest. When we pointed out that they probably needed a citizen for that, they moved on with the simple noise violation. We laughed. We smiled. We were genial and welcoming, and may have even offered them beers.

It was one of those nights where memory isn’t entirely reliable.

But I do remember asking Officer Name Removed if he’d use his Taser on a pregnant woman. I had read a news story about that happening to a woman because she wouldn’t sign a moving violation. He muttered for a while about being trained to use the device properly and understanding its effects, but he never said “no.”

While we chatted at them, they refused to give even an estimate on how much the ticket would be — one would expect that the law prescribes at least an amount for the courts to work from — and were generally unfriendly. Not once did they crack a smile.

Officer Name Removed, whenever he got bored of my queries, would say, “You’re giving me a headache,” then ignore whatever question I had posed.

Such as, “You must document these complaints you receive, right?” Or, “You really have no idea how much a noise violation costs? How long have you worked here in I.V.?”

Despite what I was saying, I kept a respectful tone. They, on the other hand, made no attempt to hide the fact that they found us contemptible. If any UCPD employee is reading this, I urge you to tell Officer Name Removed that he doesn’t have to be such an asshole. Maybe he was just having a bad night.

Either way, his paycheck comes out of our pockets. We’re taxpayers. Keep this in mind: It’s your employers you’re talking to, coppers. Show students a little respect. Especially if you expect any respect from students.

I can’t make it through this rant on police without commending Officer Signa for his column — I’ve always wondered if he’s that charming while he’s on duty. I assume so. If that’s the case, other cops should take lessons from him.

At any rate, I’m getting the hell out of here. It’ll be interesting to come back in five or 10 years to see if the police and the university have succeeded in their mission to end all unregulated fun in Isla Vista.

Lord, keep that from happening.

There’s a temptation at this point to get sentimental. Thanks, mom, because without you I wouldn’t have been born and then on like that down the list.

Well — fuck it.

I just want to wish all of you the best of luck. You’re gonna need it. I think the folks down at the Nexus probably understand that one best.

Soon I’ll be off to join the 45 million Americans living with no health insurance. I hope I don’t trip on my way out.

At least Daily Nexus columnist Cory Anthony won’t have to buy a briefcase upon graduation — we think he still has one.