We’ve all had weeks from hell. Six papers finished half-assedly minutes before they’re due, your boss griped about deficient pieces of flair, and that girl you met in psych section, yeah, she’s never gonna call, no matter how well you cook chicken parmigiano.
But in one of the downstairs apartments in my complex at 6645 Del Playa Drive lives a man named Lincoln Rideout who has a story that tops us all.
It all started when he went swimming last Wednesday. He wiped out on a wave, and his arm plowed into the sand. Painkillers were ineffective, so he decided to seek medical attention.
Much to his surprise, he noticed his bike seat was gone. He staggered to Student Health, damaged arm in tow, and underwent a few X-rays. The diagnosis: broken elbow.
After house partying this past Thursday night with his arm in a primitive-looking cast, a roommate crashed on the living room couch and slept through the incursion of an uninvited visitor. When Lincoln awoke, he noticed the room looked different.
“They stole my brand new Dell laptop,” he said. I’m not sure who “they” refers to, but according to Lincoln, it was stolen by a “little punk-ass college biatch.” As if the week couldn’t get any worse, his new iPod was stripped from his room just days later. And it wasn’t a mini. We’re talking the 40-gig monster, chock full of underground hip hop.
He related the story to me with a sincere, beaten smile on our complex couch – thankfully, that hasn’t been stolen yet. He’s lost his good arm, his computer, portable music player, and soft-cushioned bike seat in less than five days. Why are there so many thieves in this town? Look and see the damage you’re causing. Lincoln remarked, “I wouldn’t mind if it was someone who was stealing and pawning to feed his family.” Commendable. Honorable, in fact. Lincoln Rideout is a one-of-a-kind hero, a real zaddik. But our best guess is that the robber is an experienced one, who sinisterly enjoys stealing more and more items from his struggling neighbors, taking equipment with a stupid smirk on his disdainful face. Or maybe he’s just “a punk-ass biatch,” as Lincoln put it. Whoever you are, stop. But you’re beyond the point of help, so with the amount of assertion a column permits, I’m asking you to just go the hell away and steal somewhere else, if you have to. Because good guys like Lincoln shouldn’t have to suffer. We can all empathize with him. It’s unfair for an environmental studies sophomore to live without the bare school necessities. He’s become Johnny Castaway in Isla Vista. If his shit-lucked weeks continue at this rate, you’ll find him eating canned beans in a dumpster, with Sabado animals stuffed into his backpack for dinnertime. It is amazing, and confusing, to see a man smile through all the losses he’s endured. We’ve all had shitty weeks, and Lincoln will be the first to admit it. But we gotta do something.
I announce the founding of Save Lincoln!, an entirely for-profit organization dedicated to raise funds and help this poor neighbor out. If you’d like to hear his stories, cry with him, freestyle with him or treat him to lunch, he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Save Lincoln! will host a philanthropy event this Friday night at 6645 DP Drive. We kindly request a donation of 100 Lincolns, or $1, though any amount is greatly appreciated. There’s a famous Talmudic proverb that reads: “Save one life, and you save the world entire.” The world is a bit out of reach, so I got one message: Save Lincoln.
Aaron Small is a Daily Nexus staff writer.