I am a party girl. I am always recovering from the night before. You could say that me being hung over is actually my natural state. I love all that the downtown college scene has to offer. As a senior, I’d like to offer some advice to my fellow younger classmates about downtown rules and etiquette. Hopefully, this advice will lead you away from the many mistakes I’ve foolishly made.

Rule #1: Preapprove your drunken hookups. We all know that after a night of Long Island iced teas, everyone starts to look like a hottie. Beware — this is not reality. When you end up making out and dragging Joe Schmoe home from the clubs you will regret it in the morning. Forget about the walk of shame; the drive of shame is an even worse experience. The long car ride to drop off someone that you have no intention of talking to again is beyond awkward. If you meet someone downtown, exchange phone numbers and reconvene when you are sober. If you still have a spark that isn’t alcohol-induced when you talk after that, go for it. A preapproved drunken hookup will always be way more fulfilling. Also, even when wasted, try to keep things in perspective. Don’t hook up with people that are in the same inner circle even if you are pretty sure they won’t care. Bruised egos get ugly real fast.

Rule #2: The people to know: bouncers, bartenders and cabbies. As you establish your favorite spots to party downtown, get to know the staff. I have many favorite bartenders and bouncers and I look forward to showering them with mad love and above-average tips when I go bar hopping downtown. Yes, you read correctly, “above-average tips.” As a starving college student I know this may be a bit frightening. If you take care of your bartenders they will remember you. As you are standing in a sea of people trying to order, you will be remembered for your generosity and be picked out of the crowd. Getting your Long Island iced tea before everyone else in the bar is like winning a delicious award. Yum! Bouncers are your key past those velvet ropes and your way to avoid spending your evening outside the clubs in line. So, get to know the bouncers; it’s so worth it. As the evening is ending, remember, DUIs are a big no-no. If a designated driver is out of the question then take a cab. If the cab driver isn’t a weirdo get their card. By establishing a friendship with a cab driver you will have an advantage over the rest of the drunks trying to make their way home.

Rule #3: Drunk dialing: Don’t do it! OK, you’re wasted. This is the worst time to decide to talk to that special someone that doesn’t give a shit about you. There is nothing more embarrassing than watching someone huddled in a corner at a club with their cell phone going to town with the drunk dialing. Texting when drunk is the perfect way to make an ass of yourself. I myself have fallen victim to the drunk-texting disease many times. My way of curing myself of this disease is by deleting the numbers of those boys I know I’ll be tempted to have the “life or death, I need to talk to them” moment with when I know I shouldn’t. As alcohol has impaired my judgment with my phone, it has led to many embarrassing moments the morning after when I look through my call log and sent messages. “Ahhh, why did I call him” has been groaned by me on many different occasions.

As a professional drinker, my number one goal is to avoid the “why the fuck did I do that” moment the morning after. I hope that my advice can help all you kiddos get ready for when you finally do get to roll downtown. College is one of the greatest times in anyone’s life. But we especially have it made. UCSB is the shiznit! So… for those that are of age, if you spot me downtown, say what up and let’s belly up to the bar for a shot or my personal favorite — do you have to even ask — a Long Island iced tea.

Bottoms up!

Erin Vogelsanger is a senior communication major.