As far as I know, there is no UCSB lagoon monster, and that makes me sad. Loch Ness has its monster. Tahoe has Tessie. Even some Canadian lake has “Ogopogo.” We can do better than Ogopogo. If you’re a biology major, please use your know-how to stock the lagoon with sea monster babies. Be sure to genetically alter them to survive off of muck and stink.

Tuesday’s forecast: If you have any good ideas for UCSB lagoon monster names, let me know. We can’t name it after Thomas Storke, like everything else.