Bedtime for Drunko

Saturday, April 30, 6:35 p.m. – Deputies at the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office on Pardall Road greeted a 22-year-old male who staggered into the station and asked if someone there could call a taxicab for him.

The man, later determined to be a visitor from out of town, did not appear to realize that he had stumbled into a police station. One of the officers noticed the strong odor of alcohol on the man’s breath and his slurred speech and began asking him questions.

He appeared to have difficulty answering simple questions, and when asked if he knew what time it was, the man replied, “66 Trigo.”

The officer placed the man under arrest for being far too intoxicated to care for his own safety, and escorted him across the room to the holding cell.

When the deputy was finished filling out the arrest paperwork, he returned to the cell to find the man fast asleep in the chair and had to shake him repeatedly to wake him up.

While en route to the Santa Barbara County Jail, the man dozed off once again in the back of the patrol car.

The man managed to stay awake long enough to make it through the booking process at the jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Time Flies When You’re Drunk in Public

Saturday, April 30, 4:40 p.m. – Officers on foot patrol observed a 22-year-old man holding an open 12-ounce can of Natural Ice beer and urinating in the lower parking level of an apartment complex on the 6500 block of Segovia Road, adjacent to the All-Sorority Volleyball Tournament festivities at Greek Park.

The deputies contacted the man, who believed that it was only 1 in the afternoon, and he informed them that he would go home at 1:30 p.m. The officers noted that he was already more than three hours late for his self-imposed curfew.

The man also said he thought he was on Del Playa Drive – about seven blocks away – and had no friends in the area to help him make it home.

The report of the incident stated that his speech was otherwise unintelligible, and due to his disoriented state the officers elected to take him into custody and transport him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Vertically Challenged

Saturday, April 30, 3:43 p.m. – Uniformed deputies on foot patrol observed a shirtless 23-year-old man fall to the ground near the intersection of Embarcadero del Norte and Segovia Road.

As the officers watched, the man tried to stand back up but failed repeatedly and was eventually helped to his feet by several people around him.

He then began falling into a group of several women, and as he plummeted back toward the pavement, he attempted to grab onto their legs for support.

Sensing that the women did not appreciate their limbs being used as a makeshift jungle gym, the officers approached the group and determined that none of the people in the area knew the man.

They proceeded to escort the stumbling man to the side of the street, having to support him along the way because he was otherwise unable to walk in a straight line.

“I’m not that drunk,” he stated, claiming that he had done nothing wrong.

Ignoring his pleas, the officers placed him under arrest for public intoxication and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

I Told You to Go Before We Left

Saturday, April 30, 12:44 p.m. – Officers on patrol in a marked squad car observed a 19-year-old woman bracing herself against a parked car near the intersection of Embarcadero del Norte and Cervantes Road.

It appeared that the woman was having difficulty keeping her balance, and when she attempted to walk westbound along the sidewalk on Cervantes, she immediately fell against a fence and slumped to the ground.

The deputies watched the woman pull herself back to her feet using the fence for support, start to walk again, and stagger and fall back into the fence a second time.

The woman then decided to try a new approach and managed to stumble across the street before collapsing against another parked car on the other side.

At this point, the officers decided to intervene and sat the woman on the curb, canceling any further travel plans she might have had, and asked her where she was headed.

“My two steps are almost home,” she said, and pointed at an apartment complex down the street. She then stated that she lived at Tropicana Gardens and just wanted to go home.

One of the officers asked her where she had come from, and she replied, “My parents are in town. I’m going to sleep.”

Hoping for at least one coherent response to a question, the deputy asked her if she knew where she was. She said she was on her way home, and proceeded to ask the deputy if he thought she should go to sleep.

The deputy most likely felt that that was a good idea, but he pressed on, asking her how much she had had to drink. The woman replied that she already had an MIP and just wanted to go home.

Having completed his interrogation without receiving a single satisfactory answer, the deputy took the highly intoxicated woman into custody and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

However, the woman’s misfortune did not end there. Once at the jail, the report stated, she suddenly started urinating on the floor while leaning against a wall in the carport.

She looked down at the puddle forming at her feet and stated the obvious: “Oh, I have to go to the bathroom really bad.”

Stop Frontin’

Saturday, April 30, 2:02 a.m. – Deputies patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed a man staggering westbound in the middle of the street. An officer approached the man, who was not wearing a shirt and was accompanied by an unidentified woman, and immediately smelled a strong odor of alcohol on his breath upon contacting him.

The man said he was escorting his female companion home, and she confirmed his statement, saying that they were heading to her residence.

When the deputy asked the man who the woman was, he said she was someone he had just met and did not know her name.

At this point, police decided to arrest the man for public intoxication.

He later confided in the officers that the woman was one of his many girlfriends, and that he was a “pimp.”

Although prostitution is illegal in California, deputies decided not to add “pimping” to the charges against the wannabe player and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Mathematically Eliminated

Saturday, April 30, 1:50 a.m. – Officers contacted a 19-year-old man walking along the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive.

While the man was wearing plaid pants and red shoes, it was not his fashion sense that caught the deputies’ attention – rather, it was the open 12-ounce can of Keystone Light beer in his hand.

The man said he was 21 years old, but one of the deputies brought to his attention the fact that it is illegal for a person of any age to possess an open container of alcohol in public.

When the officer asked for his identification, the man said he did not have his driver license with him. He then proceeded to give the deputy a false name and a June 1985 birth date – which would make him 19 – and said he was really 20 years old.

The officer said he thought the man was lying to him and that he was actually 19 years old.

The man then admitted to being only 19 and said that his earlier statement was “just bad math on my part.”

A computer check of the man’s identity came back negative, and he gave the deputy a different name. After a search for the second name returned no results, the deputy informed the man that he would have to arrest him if he could not identify him.

The man became very distraught upon receiving this news and said, “Well, maybe my identification is in my wallet.”

The officer asked the man if this was the ID that he had said he did not have earlier, and the subject replied that he had forgotten about it. He went on to explain that he had lied about his name and age because he was afraid of getting into trouble.

The officer arrested the man for providing false information to a peace officer – clea
rly not the best strategy for staying out of trouble – and being a minor in possession of alcohol.