Editor, Daily Nexus,

Dave Franzese – I read your column on weekly basis, as it is usually moderately entertaining, although Beth Van Dyke did a far better job. What the hell was that cute little comment about mechanical engineers about (“The Wednesday Hump: No Shame in Choking the Chicken,” Daily Nexus, Feb. 9)? All I have to say is fuck you. Mechanical engineers grow up and make the world safe and comfortable so little shits like you can go jack off in a room somewhere and write about it. Wow, you must feel important making such a useful contribution to society. I really hope everyone takes your advice about jacking off whilst skateboarding on DP – that would be fucking swell. Dave, you are a meager man. P.S. Don’t think I’m mad because I am sexually frustrated ’cause I get my lovin’ nightly – and she doesn’t have to drink a half bottle of anything. I just think you are a big fat douche bag.