I’ll miss you, Winter Break — and when I say “I”, I mean “my guts.”
For the three weeks that I was home, my father and I were locked in a ferocious battle of competitive sport-eating. We’d start everyday at breakfast, eyeing the plates of family members the way vultures leer downward over dead water buffalo. The dog stood wide-eyed and baffled by the fact that table scraps had somehow been promoted from doggie dinner to the Holy Grail, over which enormous belt-loosening battles would be fought. I was eating entire hams, spinach frittatas, cookies, potatoes, varieties of waterfowl, calamari… everything — but it was never enough. My mother would keep throwing more food at us, wielding an unlimited supply of culinary ammunition and showing no signs of or slowing down. Father and son, now reduced to “mouth-hole one” and “mouth-hole two,” did all that we could, but, alas, there were leftovers.
So, assuming many of you were sent home with a little food from the family like I was, I think now’s a good time of year to let you know which holiday leftover goes best with which sex act. Food is always being brought into the bedroom, and this is the perfect opportunity to take care of what’s left behind while taking care of a little behind. Did you notice the way “behind” was used in two different ways in my last sentence? Truly awesome.
The most traditional setting in which food is used in the bedroom is oral sex. I think we’re all familiar with the joys of including a few ice cubes or some chocolate sauce while taking a trip to the southern tip, but when it comes to holiday leftovers and going down, nothing can top gravy. It’s got turkey stock, a bold, hearty aroma and strong spices that accentuate the general saltiness of ejaculate quite nicely. The key to using gravy in the sack — just like in the kitchen — is to pace yourself correctly. Don’t go overboard with a gravy boat or ladles, but use a teaspoon so you can pinpoint the exact drip location. Just being around gravy is sure to make you hungrier than an ox, but remember, you’re going down on someone: No biting without permission.
If you’re working with the missionary position, nothing tops corn on the cob. Have each partner hold onto an opposite end of the cob and give it a spin as you sin. Each lover can eat the kernels face-to-face with the object of his or her desire — it has a very strange “Lady and the Tramp” feel to it — and the possibility of sucking the sinewy remnants out of each other’s teeth post-coitus leaves the door open for some serious bonding. This culinary sex act leaves a trail, so try this near an open window so you can chuck the spent cobs out into the parking lot when you’re done.
Doggy style? Drumstick! For the man, you’ll find the act of engaging in rear-entry coitus while devouring the delicious leg of some poor bird an exhilarating and satisfying experience. “I’m a very busy man! I must eat and procreate at the same time! Out of my way!” For the ladies, a little warm duck meat will offer you the mellow, comforting and wholesome feeling that is usually absent from this informal, faceless form of lovin’. A side of leftover mac ‘n’ cheese should accentuate the “comfort food” aspects of your meal rather nicely.
Are you cheating on somebody? Reach for the pie or any other form of dessert you’ve been sent back to school with. Cheaters get what’s coming to them in spades, so my suggestion to you is to savor what you’ve got while you can, and eat the dessert first. Disaster is on the way… and you’re getting fat because I tricked you into eating all that pie, so there.
And there you have it — not the whole list, but a few ideas to help you take care of life’s most enjoyable activities at the same. I’m advising you not to wait for the weekend to start your sinful smorgasbord and get on the ball now — those leftovers won’t keep forever. If you weren’t sent home with any good food, the holidays are over and so is that crumby holiday spirit. Stealing is officially back in style, so get while the getting’s good.
Dave Franzese is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.